2014 Book List

I don't know how many books I read last year, but I know it was a lot. This year, I'm going to make every attempt I can to track the total number of books I do read. As you will probably plainly see, most of them will be horror books... LOL.

1. Patient Zero - Jonathan Maberry
2. King Cave - - Scarlett Dawn
3. Feed - Mira Grant
4. Deadline - Mira Grant
5. Blackout - Mira Grant
6. The Rising - Brian Keene
7. The First Days - Rhiannon Frater

Why A Zombie Would Make A Good Pet

Note: This is a repost from my HubPages account.


In a perfect world, we wouldn't need pets. They're mostly around to keep us from being bored and lonely, right?

Sometimes, especially if you're the discriminating type like me, dogs and cats just don't cut in in the pet department. Lizards are awesome, but so 1996. So what's a person to do?

I was thinking about that this evening and decided that I would like to have a zombie pet. Though obviously not a traditional choice, I can make a case for them being good companions.

Note: There are some obvious precautions you must take if you decide to take on the responsibility of a zombie pet:

• Keep the little guy away from you at all costs. If you are awesome like Michonne, removing the arms and jaws of your pets will prevent some pesky gnawing issues in the future. (Remember, though, if you remove the jaw, it will not be able to eat at all, which means it will expire faster.)
• Be aware of where your zombie pet is at all times. If you take it with you to show it off to your friends and neighbors, do not let it out of your sight. Involuntary manslaughter, anyone?
• Keep a loaded pistol, a machete, or a crossbow (Daryl Dixon FTW!) handy at all times. It is a sad fact of life that our pets may occasionally have to be put down. No need to take it to a vet, that's just an added, unnecessary expense.

Major Rock Band's Original Names

This is a repost from my HubPages account.  It can't be easy to name a rock band these days. I'd imagine that it would be just like trying to sign up for a new Yahoo e-mail account - all the good names are already taken.

 Though some bands name themselves for shock value, many of them choose names that remind them of favorite people, song lyrics, poetry. Some are even named after books and movies, and some just stick with their own names. It is funny, though, to look back and see what some bands' original names were. Some of these might surprise you!

 If you know of one that I've missed, please leave a comment and I'll be happy to add it to the list!

In God We... Waitaminute... Did I Say That?

Ok.

Now.

There are a bunch of folks signing little petitions on whitehouse.gov where your (or someone else's) state wants to secede from the Union.

Yeah.

As usual, I have an issue. Actually - I have the whole damned subscription. As usual.

I'll split my issues into five "talking points."

Because I love buzz words.

Number one: Go on then. GTFO. Don't let the door hit you where some imaginary dude in the sky split you. Seeyalaterbye. But, before you go...

Number two: There goes your federal funding for... everything. Forget your disability payments. Forget the money you've already paid into Social Security. I hope your state has a huge amount of savings, or you will all be home schooling. Forget Pell Grants if you want to further your education, which will also no longer be subsidized to your state/country/dictatorship in any part by the US government. I hope your state/country/dictatorship has top-notch colleges and universities because, well, if you thought out of state tuition was high, imagine how bad it will be for a whole other country. Oh, and I hope you don't like roads. Because you won't have any.

Number three: Should you lose your job, you won't get any unemployment help from the US, nor will your state receive any federal funding for Medicare for your kids or food stamps for your table. I hope you're in the 1%, because you're going to need that silver spoon. You'll probably have to sell it to pay your power bill - which will no longer be regulated by the PUC, so they can jack their prices up as high as they want to once you're officially The People's Republic of InsertTheNameOfYourState/Country/DictatorshipHere.

Number four: You won't be protected by the federal... anything. So, if Oklahoma secedes and they want to invade Pennsylvania, who also secedes (after Oklahoma pays heavy tolls for border crossings to every state/country/dictatorship in between), don't come crying to what's left of the US for any military support. That also means no Homeland Security (YAY all you want, till some terrible shit goes down and you're suddenly overrun with screaming fanatics who will pummel you into the ground and move on, leaving your state as sloppy seconds for the next group of nuts - heh - who decide you have something they want), no FCC, no EPA, no PUC or any other abbreviations or acronyms I have already forgotten (including NFL, NBA, PGA, NASCAR, NHL and MLB). Sure, you may think that the US is already overly regulated but you have no idea what kind of Max Mad shit is going down when you no longer have a safety net. Mix Katrina with South Central in the 80's and add a liberal dose of all that fun and interesting shit that the Taliban likes to do and you have a small idea of what you can expect.

Number five: If you want your state/country/dictatorship to secede, then it forfeits any and all federal monies that it has received or is scheduled to receive from the US government for the fiscal year in which your state/country/dictatorship decides it wants to opt out of the Home of the Free. And, before you go, make sure to pony up your portion of the US federal debt.  Cash or money order only because, well, that's how we roll (and you ain't cancelling your damned check - been there and done that).

I am an American, goddamnit. I was born an American and I will die an American. Yeah, I hate the situation our country is in right now. I hate it. I hate it.

But... seriously?

I'm not dumb. I know that this is people just venting. So you don't like the guy that's in the White House for four more years. Whatever. I went through eight years of Dubya and I'm still breathing. Don't forget, though - your dumb asses also elected these bottom feeders that are leaving pecker tracks all over the seats in the House of Representatives and the Senate. So you are just as responsible for the shit we're in as everybody else is. Quit throwing a temper tantrum because you didn't get what you wanted and put your big boy pants on and get over it.

If you're willing to run away when shit gets tough then to hell with you, we don't want you anyway. As every redneck in the bible belt (and how many of those bass akwards states want to quit the union?) likes to remind us, THESE COLORS DON'T RUN. Be a part of the solution, not the fucking problem.

Have a nice night.

Signed,

Your friendly neighborhood atheist.

E Pluribus Unum, bitches.

Ten Of The Best Songs You've Never Heard

(This is a repost from my HubPages account.)


I love new music, even if it's just new to me.

Since the Hubs I've written about music and musicians are doing fairly well, I thought I'd throw out some of my favorite songs that you may not have heard. These are songs that I love that, for whatever reason, were never released as singles or were and just didn't find success (for the most part). I've never stuck to any one specific genre, so I like all kinds of stuff. Though I like a lot of mainstream music, I dig some pretty obscure stuff, too. If you've heard of these, you are awesome, just like me.

I may share more of these, so I guess this installment is all about chicks in rock. I hope you like them as much as I do!

Chris Cornell - Songbook: Album Review

This is a review for the Chris Cornell album Songbook, released November 21, 2011, copyright Universal Music and the artist.

Chris Cornell is a name that nearly all rock fans are familiar with. From Soundgarden and Temple of the Dog in the 1990's to Audioslave in the 2000's, Cornell has been consistently on the charts. Though his solo career hasn't gained him as much success as it probably should have, the man rarely puts out an album that isn't worth a listen.

Songbook is Chris Cornell's most recent solo album. It is a record of live recordings from his 'Unplugged' style US/Canadian tour in the spring of 2011. The album contains some of his original material, as well as versions of some of the hit songs he made with his bands. There is even a cover of Led Zeppelin's Thank You and John Lennon's Imagine.

I normally do not like live albums, I just prefer the way studio songs sound. If I want live, I'll go to a concert. And then there's the fact that Cornell isn't exactly known for his live singing ability. But... he's Chris Cornell, and I will buy virtually anything this man releases.

With the first track, I was surprised. I didn't realized that the only performer on Songbook IS Chris Cornell. It's him on stage with an acoustic guitar, in a small club-style, intimate setting. Because I downloaded a digital copy of this record from Zune, the track listing was a little jumbled and the first song I heard was I Am the Highway, which was one of Cornell's hits with Audioslave, and is one of my favorite songs. I was floored.

Chris Cornell is not the most talented singer in the world, he isn't even the best guitarist, but what came out of my headphones as I listened to each of the tracks on this album was pure magic. His voice is perfect for this setting. He hits the right notes, goes off the rails a little to give his listeners a new take on some of these songs. I would give nearly everything I have to have been at one of these performances.

I will be honest, there is not a song on this album that I do not like. Black Hole Sun is exceptional, Thank You is amazing and Call Me a Dog reminds me of why I have so much love for Cornell in the first place. The simple setting, the soulful vocals - combined together they create something that I've never really heard on a live album before.

In today's economy, not many of us have spare money, but I believe that any rock fan worth their salt should dig up a few bucks for this album. You will not be disappointed.

What Would Elizabeth Taylor Do?

A lot of things happened to me the year that I turned forty.I won't go into most of them here because they were pretty personal. One thing that I do want to share is my new-found love for Elizabeth Taylor.

I want to make this clear first. I have never seen any of her movies. The most I know about her I learned from the tabloids in the late 1980's when they kept calling her fat and made fun of her for marrying Larry Fortensky. I knew she was a friend of Michael Jackson and she did a lot of charity work for AIDS research. I knew she was a Hollywood icon and one of the last of a dying breed, but I've never been really interested in watching her films.

On March 21, 2011, Elizabeth Taylor passed away at the age of 79. Hollywood mourned. It didn't mean much to me other than the passing of another huge celebrity (I was more torn up when Peter Steele from Type O Negative died).

A few days later, I was bored and surfing through the channels on television and came across the Biography Channel's tribute to Elizabeth (she hated being called Liz). I normally wouldn't have watched a show like this, but there wasn't much else on so I decided to give it a try.

In two short hours, I decided who I wanted to be and why.

Elizabeth Taylor Lived Her Life On Her Terms

Studio Publicity Photo (Public Domain) via Wikimedia  Commons

Elizabeth Taylor began her career as a kid, which may be why she did so well in Hollywood in her adult years. She made many movies, some were hits and some weren't. She played Cleopatra, she played innocents, she was a seductress - she was a versatile actor that could take on virtually any role. But it was her personal life that interested me.

She was married eight times to seven different men. She was always in the tabloids for dating this guy or having rumored affairs with the other one. She even caught heat from the Vatican for fooling around with Richard Burton when they were both married to other people. You really have to be somebody to draw the pope's attention!

The thing that got me was that she did the things she did in an age where women weren't supposed to be worldly. They were supposed to be good, loyal little housewives that catered to their husbands needs. To me, Elizabeth Taylor was one of the first women to say "The hell with that." It was something she would do over and over.

I'm not saying that I want to have seven more marriages. I'm not even sure I want to get married again, even if I found the perfect guy (unless Phil Anselmo is available). What I am saying is that, after I watched that documentary, I was left with the feeling that I could be who I've always wanted to be. I don't have to cater to what society thinks a 40-something female should be. I don't have kids, I'm not married and working a 9 to 5 career and putting my family on the back burner like so many career minded women are choosing to do. I don't spend my Sundays in a church that I feel obligated to attend.

In no way do I want to be Elizabeth Taylor, and I'm not kidding myself in believing that I could ever really be like her. What she gave me, though, was the courage and confidence to become who I really am. I'm still working on that. I still have doubts and questions. But, whenever I come across a particularly difficult decision, I ask myself "What Would Elizabeth Taylor Do?"

I have a feeling that she won't steer me wrong.

Dumb Amazon Recommendations

Because I should be sleeping and I'm not. You get what you get when I get the way I get.

Because people who buy walkie talkies also need country music.

I'm guessing that people who eat Ramen also eat Apple Jacks?

This in itself wouldn't be dumb if it weren't in the beauty section.

So I can, uh, heat up my peel-off mask with my candle warmer.

I'm starting to wish I hadn't bought the candle warmer from Amazon.

Since I have walkie talkies, I must also have an iSomething?

A surge protector and a 20-Inch LCD Monitor go hand in hand. Wait. A 20 inch LCD monitor is only $103? Holy shit!

I am One Picky Bitch

Life is all about choices, and sometimes I take that to the extreme.

I didn't realize how much of a picky eater I am until I moved in with the Fletchers. I guess I'm just used to the way I eat. Then I thought about it, and realized that my pickiness worms its way into other parts of my life, too.

Here's a rather detailed rundown of my food weirdness.

Food:
- I don't like cold food on a plate with hot food. Though I'm less picky about it now, if someone makes me a plate and there is cole slaw touching mashed potatoes, I wouldn't eat any of it. Ditto with salad, applesauce or pickled beets.
- I will go to extreme lengths not to eat dark meat poultry. I will eat dark meat chicken if it's fried well done. For me this is a consistency issue. I don't like the greasiness.
- To that end, I will not, EVER, eat the fat part of a piece of steak, pork, ham, etc. It will make me gag.
- Though I love raisins, and I love oatmeal cookies, I do not want raisins in my oatmeal cookies. In fact, I do not want raisins in anything.
- I hate, hate, HATE onions, and will not eat a raw one. I will eat them cooked if they're mushy. I will, however, eat onion rolls, onion bagels and Funyuns. I like the flavor, but biting into a raw onion will make me throw up.
- The only kind of berry I will eat is a cranberry, and I rarely want those. Strawberries, blueberries and any other kind of berry do not make me happy. I think it's because the seeds in them are really gritty.
- I already mentioned onions, but I won't eat most popular condiments, either. Mustard, mayo, pickles, relish... no, no and more no. I will eat a sandwich dry, but do like ranch or blue cheese dressing on them, too. On a cheeseburger, I want lettuce and tomato only. On a hot dog, I prefer chili, cheese and cole slaw - the only way I'll eat cole slaw when it's touching something warm.
- I won't eat avocados, or anything made with them. Guacamole looks like baby shit and you couldn't pay me to eat it.
- The only way I'll eat artichokes is in spinach dip.
- I love squash and zucchini, but I do not want them cooked. I prefer them raw or stir fried until they are just hot. I won't eat them if they're mushy.
- I prefer veggies either fresh or frozen, but I will eat them from a can if I have to. I also do not want any veggie overcooked, especially broccoli, cauliflower or brussels sprouts.
- I traditionally don't like vanilla flavored anything. I used to call vanilla ice cream 'plain.'

Egyptian Mad Libs

How the Egyptians Made Mummies

Mummification was a disgusting process that took 70 days from start to finish. After a person died, he or she was carried by a frog across the Nile to a special hut where several men began preserving it. The first thing they did was to remove the body's frank organs to help prevent decay. The foot was pulled out through the nose while the stomach, intestines, liver, and lungs were taken out through a cut in the finger. The organs were dried in natron salt and stored in frothy containers called canopic jars. The rest of the body was washed with wine and vehicles and then covered in natron where it sat drying for 40 days. Once it was completely dried, the body was distant and leathery. The Egyptians rubbed it with sacred songs to help soften the skin. Then the body was adorned with beautiful detectives and wrapped with linen. Next, green amulets were inserted between the layers of linen as the mummy was wrapped. It was believed that they would dance the soul on its journey to Folsom Prison. The mummy was now ready to be placed in a television, where it would live for the rest of its afterlife!

Get your own here!

Why Yes, Yes My Ass Is Chapped

Oh good lord. There seems to be so much to be mad at anymore. Where do I start? How about with fat?

Lately there has been a media uproar about Christina Aguilera being too fat. Too fat? Seriously? Now, there were some pics taken of her (I think it was at the Michael Jackson tribute concert) that were seriously unflattering. And then shit went off the hook about pictures of her in a Herve Ledger bandage dress. Because, apparently, she was too fat in that, too. For the record, here's the honest to gawd truth.

This is fat:

And, no, that isn't me, you douche nozzle.

This is NOT fat:

No matter which way you slice it, the media is causing women everywhere to think there is something wrong with them because they do not look like this scary skinny attention whore:  

And don't you dare tell me that Leann Rimes is "naturally thin." Naturally thin, maybe, but naturally skeletal? I think not. This is what she used to look like when she, you know, ate and stuff:

Fuck you, Leann Rimes, for making people think that a size negative three is NORMAL. Eat a goddamned sandwich and STFU. (And somebody please explain to me how her body got smaller but her tits got bigger?)

What else has got my tits in a bunch? I'm so glad you asked. 

If you know me, you know I have no love for The Kardashians Those Who Shall Not Be Named. For the most part, I think they are ALL money grubbing attention whores who are only famous because their dad helped OJ beat a murder rap and Kim Whore Number One has a giant fake ass and a sex tape. But I'm gonna stick my neck out here for a minute.

Khloe Kardashian is the tall one, the one that's funny and seems to actually have a personality. Obviously I don't know her personally, I'd have a drink with her, though, because she seems like she'd be awesome to hang out with. 

Her stepmothers have gone to the tabloids with the "fact" that Robert Kardashian knew that Khloe was not his biological daughter, but he loved the girl enough not to ask for a paternity test. Hear that? He LOVED HER enough not to ask for a paternity test. The dude is dead, and can't corroborate these bitches' stories, and, IMO, they need to STFU. Mr. Kardashian obviously loved his daughter and his daughter obviously still loves her father. Like I said, I don't know her, but if anybody EVER had the nerve to tell me that my daddy wasn't my real daddy, I'd fuck them up so badly their own mothers wouldn't be able to identify them. 

There has to be a line somewhere. This shit is getting out of hand. 

Out With The Old

A wise person (me) once said "If at first you don't succeed, kick somebody in the balls. It won't help them at all, but you'll be amused for at least ten minutes (that's approximately how long it takes someone to recover from being kicked in the balls... so you'll have a head start)."

So I didn't succeed a lot this year, not in ways that I wanted to anyway. What I ended up with was a slightly more acute vision of myself and the world around me. Since a lot of my friends and family are making "Year in Review" blog posts and such, I decided to be a lemming. Here's my take on what happened to me in 2011.

If I Could Make A Soundtrack for The Walking Dead

I gave this a lot of thought, and this is what I came up with as a (metal) soundtrack at least for season one. Thirteen is a good number, no?

1. Ozzy Osbourne - Crazy Train

2. Metallica - The Thing That Should Not Be

3. Korn - Bitch We Got A Problem

4. Marilyn Manson - Sweet Dreams

5. Pantera - Drag The Waters

6. Disturbed - Land of Confusion

7. Black Sabbath - Black Sabbath

8. Drowning Pool - Bodies

9. Slipknot - Everything Ends

10. Type O Negative - Everything Dies

11. Slayer - South of Heaven

12. Dope - Die Motherfucker Die

13. White Zombie - Children of the Grave

What would be on yours?

Miscellaneous But Amusing Shit

Oh, I've been LOLing all afternoon.

There is a "Christian" website that I was trolling till I realized it's probably a satire site. At least I hope it's a satire site. What brought me to the page in the first place was an article titled Eminem: Portrait of a Christian Hero. I LOLed. Seriously. Then I hit on an article titled Is Skyrim Teaching Your Children How To Perform "Rim Jobs" and Other Homo Erotic Sex Maneuvers? Also available on Christwire.org is a series of 51 Christian-friendly words for different things, like butthole (the rude sneezer), homosexuals (my favorite: clam dabbler), and testicles (Florida hairy speed bags?). Yeah, much LOLing to do on that site.

The other funny haha is the Google search terms that are bringing people to this blog. My most recent favorites: "is excessive farting grounds for divorce," "top ten fat women rock singers," and "riding the cotton pony panties."

Yeah. Google does make the world go round.

Top Ten Female Rock Singers

I was making a new station on Pandora One a little while ago, and I only wanted female rock singers. I came up with some of the usual suspects on my own, but I wanted a little variety so I googled "greatest female rock singers." I will readily admit I WTF a lot, but I actually said, out loud, WHAT THE FUCK when I read some of the lists the results pointed me to. I have questions.

• How the HOLY HELL is Mariah Carey a rock singer? Did I fall off the planet and get sucked into an alternate reality where shrilly screaming pop princesses are considered rock stars? The only way I can even see her fitting into the category at all is if only her "crazy" were considered. Cause, yeah, some rock stars catch that pretty easily.
• Alison Mosshart? Maja Ivarssen? Sharon Foo? What? Who the fuck are these people? I'm not saying they suck. What I am saying is how the fuck do they make the "top" lists when I, a certified pop culture whore, have never heard of them?
• Pink is NUMBER 158? What? Are crack monkeys making these lists? 
• Ok, this is the last one, but it's the biggest. HOW CAN YOU HAVE A LIST OF THE BEST FEMALE ROCK STARS AND NOT PUT JOAN JETT ON IT, FOR FUCK'S SAKE?

Damn. I do get a little heated over little things, so I better get off of that subject before I have a stroke. 

I'm making my own list for posterity's sake. And, since those evil ass monkeys can make their insipid little lists (with Whitney Houston on them), I get to put whoever the hell I want to on mine. Feel free to comment with your favorites, or bitch me out about my taste in women, er, music (if you dare). My list is in the order I think of them, not in any other particular order (because the hamsters in my head are a fickle bunch).