Blowing Mud

A while ago, I wrote a post about euphemisms for getting your period. Today we're going in a different, but equally disgusting direction. How can you tactfully say "I've got to shit" without making people nauseous.

My personal favorites are "the green apple splatters" and "bubble guts." I found some others that made me laugh so hard I thought I was going to have to "commit myself to the dumpatorium." Of course, you can always "storm the castle."

Euphemisms for taking a shit:

• Download some mudware.
• Fill the peanut butter jar
• Hit paydirt
• Make a grunt scuplture
• Paint the bowl
• Punish the porcelain
• Sink the Bismark
• Barbarians at the gate
• Bunghole train has left the station
• Contaminating the dog dish
• Drilling for mud bunnies
• Helping the ground hog find his shadow
• Negotiating the release of the chocolate hostages
• Polluting the pond
• Singing with Michael Bolton (?)

Euphemisms for diarrhea:

• Brownie batter
• Liquid bummer
• The Schlitz
• Code brown emergency
• The Tijuana two-step
• Number three (two plus one!)
• The chunky sputters

Euphemisms for farting:

• Anal salute
• Let each little bean be heard
• Rebuilding the ozone layer
• Trouser cough
• Barking spiders (if you stomp your feet when you fart, you can announce you're "killing the barking spiders")

You MUST read the "fart etiquette" part of this page.

Mackie's Haggis and Cracked Black Pepper Crisps

Seriously? Haggis flavored potato chips? WTF is haggis, you ask? Well, wikipedia says it's "Haggis is a dish containing sheep's 'pluck' (heart, liver and lungs), minced with onion, oatmeal, suet, spices, and salt, mixed with stock, and traditionally simmered in the animal's stomach for approximately three hours." Yeah. So it probably tastes like ass. 

Now someone's gone and made potato chips (crisps, for you non-English people - meaning: me) flavored like this stuff. I haven't actually eaten haggis, but if it tastes as bad as Menudo smells, well, I'll take a pass. 

Busting Out The Granny Panties

As a female, I have the absolute right to complain about my period. It's painful, disgusting and downright pisses me the fuck off. And, of course, it's not like dudes can ever really understand what it's like (just as I can never truly understand what it's like to get punched in the balls).

Anyway, I was sitting on the toilet a little while ago, well, doing what I do when I'm sitting on the toilet, and I began to think of all the euphemisms I know for getting my period. My two favorites are "falling off the roof" and "the monkey got a nosebleed" (thank you, Supah Jammy for that last little, er, nugget).

I actually have a funny story regarding "falling off the roof." You know (well, if you're a girl you know) that you can sort of tell when you're going to get your period? The cramps, the bloating, the little insignificant things that turn us into raging thunder cunts faster than Michelle Bachmann causes us to go WTF every time she opens her mouth. Well, picture this: I'm on the sofa with one of my former love slaves. It's the beginning of our relationship and we're doing some serious making out. I look at him all sexy like and say "come on, honey, let's go do it, cause I think I'm gonna fall off the roof tomorrow." Ok. Bad choice of words. He had no idea what I really meant, so he literally thought I was planning to fall off the roof. He was horrified. In fact, he was so horrified that he couldn't recover enough to give me the baloney pony that night. (And I was right about falling off the roof, so I didn't get any for the whole next WEEK!)

Anyway, once I got done with my bathroom business, I decided to google "euphemisms for getting your period," and found several gems that I consider my civic duty to pass along to you. They're here, after the jump.