In God We... Waitaminute... Did I Say That?

Ok.

Now.

There are a bunch of folks signing little petitions on whitehouse.gov where your (or someone else's) state wants to secede from the Union.

Yeah.

As usual, I have an issue. Actually - I have the whole damned subscription. As usual.

I'll split my issues into five "talking points."

Because I love buzz words.

Number one: Go on then. GTFO. Don't let the door hit you where some imaginary dude in the sky split you. Seeyalaterbye. But, before you go...

Number two: There goes your federal funding for... everything. Forget your disability payments. Forget the money you've already paid into Social Security. I hope your state has a huge amount of savings, or you will all be home schooling. Forget Pell Grants if you want to further your education, which will also no longer be subsidized to your state/country/dictatorship in any part by the US government. I hope your state/country/dictatorship has top-notch colleges and universities because, well, if you thought out of state tuition was high, imagine how bad it will be for a whole other country. Oh, and I hope you don't like roads. Because you won't have any.

Number three: Should you lose your job, you won't get any unemployment help from the US, nor will your state receive any federal funding for Medicare for your kids or food stamps for your table. I hope you're in the 1%, because you're going to need that silver spoon. You'll probably have to sell it to pay your power bill - which will no longer be regulated by the PUC, so they can jack their prices up as high as they want to once you're officially The People's Republic of InsertTheNameOfYourState/Country/DictatorshipHere.

Number four: You won't be protected by the federal... anything. So, if Oklahoma secedes and they want to invade Pennsylvania, who also secedes (after Oklahoma pays heavy tolls for border crossings to every state/country/dictatorship in between), don't come crying to what's left of the US for any military support. That also means no Homeland Security (YAY all you want, till some terrible shit goes down and you're suddenly overrun with screaming fanatics who will pummel you into the ground and move on, leaving your state as sloppy seconds for the next group of nuts - heh - who decide you have something they want), no FCC, no EPA, no PUC or any other abbreviations or acronyms I have already forgotten (including NFL, NBA, PGA, NASCAR, NHL and MLB). Sure, you may think that the US is already overly regulated but you have no idea what kind of Max Mad shit is going down when you no longer have a safety net. Mix Katrina with South Central in the 80's and add a liberal dose of all that fun and interesting shit that the Taliban likes to do and you have a small idea of what you can expect.

Number five: If you want your state/country/dictatorship to secede, then it forfeits any and all federal monies that it has received or is scheduled to receive from the US government for the fiscal year in which your state/country/dictatorship decides it wants to opt out of the Home of the Free. And, before you go, make sure to pony up your portion of the US federal debt.  Cash or money order only because, well, that's how we roll (and you ain't cancelling your damned check - been there and done that).

I am an American, goddamnit. I was born an American and I will die an American. Yeah, I hate the situation our country is in right now. I hate it. I hate it.

But... seriously?

I'm not dumb. I know that this is people just venting. So you don't like the guy that's in the White House for four more years. Whatever. I went through eight years of Dubya and I'm still breathing. Don't forget, though - your dumb asses also elected these bottom feeders that are leaving pecker tracks all over the seats in the House of Representatives and the Senate. So you are just as responsible for the shit we're in as everybody else is. Quit throwing a temper tantrum because you didn't get what you wanted and put your big boy pants on and get over it.

If you're willing to run away when shit gets tough then to hell with you, we don't want you anyway. As every redneck in the bible belt (and how many of those bass akwards states want to quit the union?) likes to remind us, THESE COLORS DON'T RUN. Be a part of the solution, not the fucking problem.

Have a nice night.

Signed,

Your friendly neighborhood atheist.

E Pluribus Unum, bitches.

Dumb Amazon Recommendations

Because I should be sleeping and I'm not. You get what you get when I get the way I get.

Because people who buy walkie talkies also need country music.

I'm guessing that people who eat Ramen also eat Apple Jacks?

This in itself wouldn't be dumb if it weren't in the beauty section.

So I can, uh, heat up my peel-off mask with my candle warmer.

I'm starting to wish I hadn't bought the candle warmer from Amazon.

Since I have walkie talkies, I must also have an iSomething?

A surge protector and a 20-Inch LCD Monitor go hand in hand. Wait. A 20 inch LCD monitor is only $103? Holy shit!

Why Yes, Yes My Ass Is Chapped

Oh good lord. There seems to be so much to be mad at anymore. Where do I start? How about with fat?

Lately there has been a media uproar about Christina Aguilera being too fat. Too fat? Seriously? Now, there were some pics taken of her (I think it was at the Michael Jackson tribute concert) that were seriously unflattering. And then shit went off the hook about pictures of her in a Herve Ledger bandage dress. Because, apparently, she was too fat in that, too. For the record, here's the honest to gawd truth.

This is fat:

And, no, that isn't me, you douche nozzle.

This is NOT fat:

No matter which way you slice it, the media is causing women everywhere to think there is something wrong with them because they do not look like this scary skinny attention whore:  

And don't you dare tell me that Leann Rimes is "naturally thin." Naturally thin, maybe, but naturally skeletal? I think not. This is what she used to look like when she, you know, ate and stuff:

Fuck you, Leann Rimes, for making people think that a size negative three is NORMAL. Eat a goddamned sandwich and STFU. (And somebody please explain to me how her body got smaller but her tits got bigger?)

What else has got my tits in a bunch? I'm so glad you asked. 

If you know me, you know I have no love for The Kardashians Those Who Shall Not Be Named. For the most part, I think they are ALL money grubbing attention whores who are only famous because their dad helped OJ beat a murder rap and Kim Whore Number One has a giant fake ass and a sex tape. But I'm gonna stick my neck out here for a minute.

Khloe Kardashian is the tall one, the one that's funny and seems to actually have a personality. Obviously I don't know her personally, I'd have a drink with her, though, because she seems like she'd be awesome to hang out with. 

Her stepmothers have gone to the tabloids with the "fact" that Robert Kardashian knew that Khloe was not his biological daughter, but he loved the girl enough not to ask for a paternity test. Hear that? He LOVED HER enough not to ask for a paternity test. The dude is dead, and can't corroborate these bitches' stories, and, IMO, they need to STFU. Mr. Kardashian obviously loved his daughter and his daughter obviously still loves her father. Like I said, I don't know her, but if anybody EVER had the nerve to tell me that my daddy wasn't my real daddy, I'd fuck them up so badly their own mothers wouldn't be able to identify them. 

There has to be a line somewhere. This shit is getting out of hand.