Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Busting Out The Granny Panties

As a female, I have the absolute right to complain about my period. It's painful, disgusting and downright pisses me the fuck off. And, of course, it's not like dudes can ever really understand what it's like (just as I can never truly understand what it's like to get punched in the balls).

Anyway, I was sitting on the toilet a little while ago, well, doing what I do when I'm sitting on the toilet, and I began to think of all the euphemisms I know for getting my period. My two favorites are "falling off the roof" and "the monkey got a nosebleed" (thank you, Supah Jammy for that last little, er, nugget).

I actually have a funny story regarding "falling off the roof." You know (well, if you're a girl you know) that you can sort of tell when you're going to get your period? The cramps, the bloating, the little insignificant things that turn us into raging thunder cunts faster than Michelle Bachmann causes us to go WTF every time she opens her mouth. Well, picture this: I'm on the sofa with one of my former love slaves. It's the beginning of our relationship and we're doing some serious making out. I look at him all sexy like and say "come on, honey, let's go do it, cause I think I'm gonna fall off the roof tomorrow." Ok. Bad choice of words. He had no idea what I really meant, so he literally thought I was planning to fall off the roof. He was horrified. In fact, he was so horrified that he couldn't recover enough to give me the baloney pony that night. (And I was right about falling off the roof, so I didn't get any for the whole next WEEK!)

Anyway, once I got done with my bathroom business, I decided to google "euphemisms for getting your period," and found several gems that I consider my civic duty to pass along to you. They're here, after the jump.

  • Trolling for vampires
  • A dishonorable discharge from the uterine navy
  • Massacre at the Y
  • Taking Carrie to the prom 
  • Arts and crafts week at panty camp
  • Rebooting the ovarian operating system
  • Playing banjo in Saint Zygote's Ragtime Band
  • Busting out the granny panties
  • Shark week
  • Closed for maintenance
  • There are communists in the fun house
  • Jenny has a red dress on
  • Granny's stuck in traffic
  • The panty trasher
  • Riding the cotton pony
You can thank me later. :D

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