Monday, August 8, 2011

Cover Me Part Deux

So, I've given you a list of my fifty favorite cover songs. Here's the list of my ten least favorites... in no particular order. 

1. Guns N Roses - Sympathy for the Devil. It pains me to say something bad about Guns N Roses, because they are my favorite band of all time. Even Slash, though, described this song as the sound of GNR breaking up. Axl's vocals suck ass, the music is off, and what's with the laughing all the way through, Mr. Rose? Did you actually not care what the finished result sounded like? Did you think that the Rolling Stones would appreciate this little kick in the no-no's?

2. Sheryl Crow - Sweet Child O' Mine. If there had never been a GNR version of this song, I might like Sheryl Crow's cover. As it stands, she turned a powerful metal ballad into something folksy. And I hate it. In fact, hate doesn't even come close to describing what I really feel for this song. This is double bad, she's one of my favorite artists of all time. In all honesty, I've never even listened to this song all the way through (and I suggest you don't, either.)

3. Kelly Osbourne - Papa Don't Preach. Just. No. Madonna shouldn't have allowed this. I hear they're all buddy-buddy now (because I am, after all, a pop culture whore). Madge must have forgiven her. I haven't.

4. Britney Spears - I Love Rock N Roll. I hope she gets the clap. The burning, itchy clap for recording this shitty assed cover of one of the greatest songs of all time.

5. Olivia Newton-John - Ring of Fire. So bad I can't even describe it. Wait. I can't miss an opportunity like this, they only come along once in a lifetime. This is bad. Real bad. Like nails on a chalkboard bad, or cats fucking in a back alley bad. It's SO BAD, that the only video I could find on YouTube of this song is a clip from a DRAG QUEEN COMPETITION. Fuck you, Olivia Newton-John.

6. Puff Daddy (Puffy? P Diddy? Do We Even Care?) - Kashmir (Come With Me). Technically, this isn't a cover. P Whatshisname hired Jimmy Page to pretty much humiliate and bastardize himself when he played the classic Led Zepplin song Kashmir for this stupid farce of a rap song. P Whatshisname needs to be shot for thinking he has enough credibility or talent to molest one of the greatest classics ever. Also, FUCK YOU to Cadillac for using Black Dog as the music for their commercials. Some things, including Zepplin, should remain sacred.

7. Jessica Simpson - These Boots Were Made for Walking. This was made for the remake/reboot/re-whatever of the Dukes of Hazard movie. The bad thing is that I like this song better than I liked the movie. And I fucking HATE this song. The video amounts to pretty much just Simpson gyrating around in a redneck bar and washing the General Lee in a bikini.

8. Paris Hilton - Do Ya Think I'm SexyNo. I don't. And your little song and your little video suck ass. Please go away, Paris Hilton. Nobody cares about you any more.

9. Ozzy Osbourne - Mississippi Queen. Ah, damn. I love Ozzy. I have since I was a teenager. But Mountain's Mississippi Queen is my favorite song of all time, bar none. The one thing I can say about this song? At least it isn't a nasty, diseased pop star like Britney, Paris, Bieber or GAGA making this shitty, sub-standard copy. If it had been anyone but Ozzy, it might have caused me to incite a riot. I had the CD that contains this song on in the car and was driving the first time I heard it. I almost wrecked the car.

10. Dolly Parton - Stairway to Heaven. Holy fuck me running. Even with those other nine dishonorable mentions up there, this one really stands out. It has BANJOS. And Dolly Parton. What the fuck were they thinking letting her make a cover of this song? WTF?

Special Hall of Shame Mention:
Rascal Flatts - Life Is A Highway. This gets a special mention because it's one of my brother's favorite songs and this silly band unnecessarily butchered it. And, of course, it had to be featured in the Pixar movie Cars, one of my favorite animated movies of all time. 


  1. madonna--american pie. 'nuff said

  2. Rascal Flatts - Life Is A Highway, is by far the worst song ever recorded...


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