Saturday, January 15, 2011

Notes From The Road

It was an interesting trip from Lubbock, TX to Buffalo, NY. I took some notes, hope you find them interesting.


11:43 - Passed the Happy State Bank. In all fairness, we just went through Happy, TX. Must be a nice place to live. Also, the Amarillo bus station is run down and gross. It's fucking cold out here.

13:35 - Just saw real cowboys on horseback in a field with cows. Strange looking country here, little rolling hills with strange valleys. At least it's no longer flat like Lubbock.
ps. A lady at the Amarillo bus station gave me three candy canes, I just ate the cinnamon one. She was on the way from San Antonio to Albuquerque because her son was very sick and on dialysis. I hope everyting works out for her and him, they're in my thoughts.

14:50 - Elk City, OK is ugly, but it sure as hell isn't Texas... maybe there is a God after all, I got out of there! YAY! This bus stop is at a gas station, not a regular bus station. Next stop is Oklahoma City, OK.

15:49 - Just saw an oil well. At least I think it was an oil well, or oil drill or whatever they're called. Also saw hills that looked like small mountains out in the distance. Odd. We're 30 miles west of El Reno, OK. Fifty-five miles to Oklahoma City.

17:00 - Oklahoma City. It isn't as ugly as I expected. Someone once told me that it was like the asshole of North America. They had drug dogs sniffing under the bus, fortunately they didn't like my underwear. I've seen this before on the trip to Lubbock from Virginia, but this was the first time I've ever seen police come on the bus and search people's things. They even patted one guy down.

18:00 - I just noticed that there is a profusion of trees! I missed trees, since Lubbock doesn't really have any.

19:45 - Tulsa, OK. Thought there was going to be a fight to get on the bus. Nonsense... there are plenty of seats, they're just not going to sit with me... lol. Been trying to get some sleep but this cough is awful. I know people are irritated with me for coughing so much, but what can I do? The cough medicine that Jose got me only lasts for an hour. The station here was clean, but the snack bar was closed... not like I have any cash, anyway. I had to go to the bathroom in the little stall, not much room for me and my bags, but there was a kid in the other one with his mommy. I dealt. They have a real confusing smoking area, too.

22:00 - I liked the way Joplin, MO looked. Small city, lots of bars and tattoo parlors, discount smoke shops and liquor stores... lol. I looked for the titty bars, but didn't find any. The bus station was cool, there was a garage for the buses to pull into. Needed to pee, but wanted a cigarette more. There's a few inches of snow on the ground, so far up till now, I've only seen dustings.

23:35 - Springfield, MO. Cold as shit. I just took half a Seroquel because I'm tired and the cough is keeping me awake. There are no more stops before St. Louis. Three hours. I hope I get to see the arch.


10:30 - On the way from Indianapolis to Cincinnati. Spent several hours on the bus from St. Louis (yes, I did see the arch, most of the other people didn't look interested) to Indianapolis with NO HEAT. The driver said it would be faster to just go to Indy than to sit on the side of the road for three hours. I think my ass cheeks are frozen. I couldn't believe it. We were also very lucky that the bus to Cincinnati waited for us.

12:10 - Made my last connection. This bus will take me to Buffalo from Cincinnati. In Cincinnati now, and it's snowing to beat the band. Still have to pee.

19:10 - Erie, PA. Border patrol just got on and checked everybody's ID. I felt bad for the Pakistani guy that had to fish out his passport. They sure singled him out. Next stop is Buffalo.

21:30 - Buffalo. Cold. Very cold. Snowing. Can I really do this? Greyhound has lost one of my bags, it's the one with my meds in it. Lucky me. I was told to call a number and that my bag would probably be in tomorrow. I certainly hope so. Just waiting now to figure out how to get from the bus station to Rob and Julie's. A guy just told me how beautiful I was then asked for a cigarette. Typical guy. Heh.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Westboro, Ah Westboro

My sister-in-law clued me in to the Westboro Baptist Church's impending picket of the funeral of the nine year-old girl who died in the shooting of Arizona Congresswoman Gabrielle Gifford.

First of all, let me say that I find it hard to give any attention to an organization that owns the url And I also find it difficult to talk about people who actively protest the funerals of fallen soldiers.

But to protest the funeral of an innocent child who did no more than get in the path of a stray bullet is utterly reprehensible. Who the hell do these people think they are? What basis could they possibly have for picketing the funeral of a child? What the hell is wrong with them?

I won't go into how much I dislike organized religion, but let me say that people like the members of Westboro Baptist are high on the list of reasons why I can't and won't believe. They are taking literally (and sometimes over-literally) words that were written centuries ago by people who were building a religion filled with stern language, bogey men and what have become antiquated rules to live by.

If there were a God, I couldn't imagine why he (or she) would hate anyone, regardless of race, religion or sexual preference. This church is violating the peace of mind and the mourning processes of hundreds of people, all in the name of a God or because of some obscure passages in the bible... words that were supposed to have been handed down by a God. I thought the Christian God was supposed to be a kind and loving God? Has that message been lost to these morons?

Even more alarming, in my not so humble opinion, this filthy church has supporters. And they have to be getting the money from somewhere to do all of these protests. I know there are crazy people out there, but these have to be the craziest of the crazy.

The sad thing is that this stupid facade of a church gets tax-exempt status and, according to the laws of this land, are allowed to say and do anything they want to as long as no one else's rights get violated in the first meantime.

Now, I'm not a terrorist, but I wouldn't be unhappy if something real bad happened to this "church" and it's parishioners. A fireball or meteor or twister or something would do, especially if the "church" were in session when it hits. I don't usually call for blood, but these people make me sick. They make me sad. They make me want to hurt something, or someone.

And, lastly, let me just just say that Fred Phelps, the leader of the Westboro Baptist Church, looks like a pedophile. But that's just my opinion.

Someone needs to start an anti-Westboro movement and picket their church meetings. I'd be down with that. I'd carry a sign that says God Hates You, You Stupid Fucks.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Words that Make Me Laugh

The English language is a funny thing. Sometimes words are easy to figure out, sometimes they're not. Sometimes they're just funny shit.

What follows are some of my favorite funny words and what I think of them.

  • Lugubrious - meaning looking sad. Example: me + out of cigarettes = lugubrious
  • Loofah - that thing we use to get rid of dead skin. Sounds like a good name for a female rapper
  • Emu - a hilarious animal. A hilarious animal that likes to bite.
  • Onomatopoeia - is a word that sounds like what it means, like roar. Or piss.
  • Brouhaha - is an uproar, or what rude V:tM* players use to refer to the Brujah
  • Canoodle - to make out. Or to eat pasta. Or to eat pasta while making out
  • Skulduggery - some dirty handed shit. Or grave robbing.
  • Queef - vaginal flatulence. Oh god, how to describe this one. I love the scene in Family guy with Meg and Stewie in the bath tub. You get serious brownie points if you know what I'm talking about.
  • Cantankerous - being downright grouchy. In a wife beater.
  • Opossum - a nocturnal rodent-like animal. We call them possums. When they're dead in the middle of the road, I call them Oh! Possums.
Feel free to comment with some of your favorite funny words and what you think of them.

*Vampire: the Masquerade

The Georgionnic Plague

I've been sick for about a week, joking that I have the plague. Not very funny from a historical standpoint, but funny all the same. I figured you might like to know the symptoms.

  • Alternating chills and hot flashes, not unlike menopause. I call this symptom "socks on, socks off."
  • The truck symptom or feeling like I got hit by one, anyway. My ribs hurt from coughing.
  • Reverse Rip VanWinkle. Try to sleep with this cough.
  • Insta-Plague-O-Matic. Sneezing. Sharing the love one person at a time.
  • Drooling. This one is the "Dopey" syndrome. When I can sleep, I drool like an idiot.
  • Puddle-mania. Or coughing. Whenever I have a coughing fit, I make a puddle.
  • Junk Food Frenzy - wanting nothing to eat but honey buns and chicken cup-o-noodles
  • Ugh. The ugh symptom occurs whenever I see myself in the mirror
  • The last and probably the worst is Pig Pen syndrome. Just like the lovable character from Peanuts... Ew.
So, be careful folks. If you experience these symptoms, you have probably been in contact with a plague bearer.

The Girdle, Ugh

We've worn girdles before, and we didn't like them. We sat here, bored, watching television, and wondering who the hell came up with the idea of sucking in a woman's curves in such a restricting, painful way? We think that it had to be a man, because certainly no woman would want to have her guts squeezed and pushed all this way and that.

We decided to do some research. We found out that the whole mess started with corsets, and probably in ancient Greece. According to WikiPedia, "corset is a garment that girds the torso and shapes it according to the fashionable silhouette of the day." 

We guess that some man told his wife that he liked the way another woman's curves worked, so  she decided to get the same look. We see that all the time in our culture, everyone wants Angelina's lips and J-Lo's (or Kim Kardashian's) butt. So, monkey-see, monkey-do is kind of understandable in this age of keeping up with the Joneses, so it stands to reason that they'd be like-minded back in the day.

Originally, corsets were made from cotton sateen and twill, and laced up the back, then they moved to putting bone in them, largely whale bone, to maintain that beautiful hourglass shape. Corsets have become a fashion statement these days, and women are wearing them as parts of their outfits (not to mention those folks who wear the pretty latex ones and get to beat people for a living. Did we just type that outloud?)

But, the girdle. Where did that come from?

The word girdle originally meant belt, worn around the midsection. They were hugely popular in the 1900's and were made from rubber or elasticized fabric. The had hook and eye closures. Today they're made from powerful elastic and can be pulled on, zipped up or closed with hooks and eyes. We women are even blessed with "power panties," girdles that can be pulled on and worn like underwear.

But why do we wear them?

Well, we wear them to hide our flaws and suck all our fluffiness into someone else's preconceived idea of the perfect shape. We wear them to look like someone else. We wear them so that we can fulfill someone else's expectations of what we should look like.

Personally, we think girdles bunk. We shouldn't be ashamed of our figures, we should be proud of them. Ladies, there is no "perfect" shape. We are who we are and we definitely shouldn't be afraid to be us. (Heck, we don't even wear slips, what are they going to see? Legs?)

Mark this one down as a "no" for us, even of Oprah does swear by Spanx.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Don't Diet, Change Your Life

We have had a lot of people ask us lately what the best weight loss program is. A to of people swear by commercial based diets like NutraSystem, Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers, but we are a firm believers that we don't have to pay to lose weight.

We often refer to a great success that we had with an actual lifestyle change in 2006 when we lost almost a hundred pounds. We didn't diet, we just simply changed our way of thinking about food. We're not saying that this is a diet breakthrough, but we often see plans similar to our lifestyle change and hear success stories behind the changes.

We decided to give you ten rules to live by to change your life:

  1. If you want the chocolate cake, EAT THE CHOCOLATE CAKE. This rule is so important because often we get ourselves on a diet plan and then we "cheat," sneaking a favorite food that doesn't show up anywhere in the allowable food list. Then we feel guilty.Then we binge. Then it's bye-bye diet and hello sweat pants to cover up the bulge. So eat the cake,or the cookie or the Snickers bar. And don't feel guilty about it, but be aware of your portion size.
  2. Do not count calories, fat grams or anything else. Be aware of the food groups and do be watchful of the amount of sodium in your diet. 
  3. Drink a LOT of water. We're talking 8 glasses a day minimum. No excuses. How can you not like water, it doesn't taste like anything?
  4. Stay away from artificial sweeteners (this is a new one, folks, not from 2006 but from, like, yesterday). They've been shown to make us crave sweets.
  5. Eat veggies fresh or frozen, never canned (exceptions for me are always corn and peas... which aren't really good for us anyway,but that's a whole 'nother blog!).
  6. Drink milk instead of fruit juice. This may sound dumb, but skim milk has protein, fruit juice is usually loaded with sugar,
  7. Eat read meat only once a week. Become creative in dishes using chicken or fish. One of our favorite recipe sites is Eating the same foods will often make our taste buds crave something different, so it's cool to be creative.
  8. Switch to whole grain. This is especially cool because a lot of whole grain foods are loaded with extra flavor as well as nutrients. 
  9. Eat REAL BUTTER. Margarine is chemically produced and is not good for us. Matter of fact,stay away from anything labeled "diet" or "low calorie." You'll thank us later.
  10. Take the stairs. I'm not saying that an exercise regimen isn't good for you, but anything that gets us moving is a good things. And park way at the bottom of the parking lot when you go to the mall or WalMart. Any extra steps you can add to your regime will be a positive thing.
And there you have it, ten ways to change your life. Trust us, you WILL lose weight if you stay positive, eat healthy and get out there and exercise!

Sunday, January 2, 2011

My Celebrity Predictions for 2011

Since I already made a prediction that Lindsay Lohan will have financial trouble in 2011, I decided to make a list of celebrity predictions based solely on my own psychic ability and intuition. So here we go...

  1. Kim Kardashian- in the news lately for a new hair style. My prediction for her is that her hair will fall out from having so much done to it. Of course, knowing her, she'll make wigs an important fashion statement.
  2. Lindsay Lohan (prediction number two - boy is she lucky!) - has snorted so  much cocaine that they'll make a new, snortable drug named after her. LiLo will be all the rage among club goers. The worst side effect will be making virtually useless people seem important (but only for a short time).
  3. Lady Gaga - will be confused with the rarest of birds, the Alagoas Curassow and will be captured and put on display in the Washington National Zoo. Her neighbor, of course, will be the Bjork Swan.
  4. Beyonce will actually learn how to sing. I know. Shocking.
  5. Justin Bieber will grow a beard, his testicles will finally drop and he'll be confused with a Wookie.He will not be able to sing any of his previous releases, due to a voice that sounds uncannily like Joan Rivers.
  6. P!nk will have a little girl named Orange. (Since orange is the new pink.)
  7. Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag will, unfortunately, be involved in a plane crash and land on a seemingly deserted island where a they will chase a smoke monster who is desperately trying to get away from their incessant, self-centered babbling.
  8. Gary Coleman will rise from the dead and become a hit on Broadway in a play titled "What You Talking 'Bout, Blood Bags." His co-star will be Alexander SkarsgÄrd, who will have dozens of nude scenes (thank goodness).
  9. George Clooney will move to a third-world country and teach all of it's inhabitants how to do that thing he does with his eyes. This will result in no one being able to deny the country anything and it becomes the richest nation in the world.
  10. Madonna will finally reach her work-out limit. Her muscles will develop brains of their own causing many problems when she tries to dance. People will liken her moves to Ashley Simpson's do-si-do on Saturday Night Live when she got caught lip-syncing.
  11. Kathy Griffin will finally become a C-List celebrity and be invited to Comedy Central Roasts. Her silicone breasts will, however, not be invited.
  12. Angelina Jolie will adopt four more children from as-yet unidentified countries. She will name them eeney, meany, miney and moe. 
  13. Tori Spelling will get yet another boob job and will compete with Heidi Montag for the title of "Useless Celebrity With The Biggest Useless Tits."
Well, there's my lucky thirteen. Happy New Year!


I'm not quite sure how Kim Kardashian's new corn rows ended up on the front page of, but they did. Why are we so obsessed with celebrities (that shouldn't even be celebrities except for the fact that their dad was a millionaire lawyer and their mom is married to Bruce Jenner. Bruce Jenner?) I, personally, couldn't care less about her new hair-do. But apparently millions of other Americans do.

What else is in the headlines?

Uncertainty ahead this year for Lindsay Lohan. I've posted about her before, but my main question is "why do we still care about Lindsay Lohan?" She's been in rehab more times than I've tried diets and she can't seem to keep her expensive ass out of jail. What's ahead for her this year? I hope nothing. I hope she hits rock bottom and finds out that she can't keep living this way. I predict that, this year, we'll see her in the headlines again fighting the IRS or some other agency over money. She'll be broker than broke.

Details of Lady Gaga's new album. What? This is news? This is front-page news? I like Lady G, don't get me wrong, but I see no reason why her new album needs to be on the front page unless it's going to cure cancer or solve the riddle of world peace.

Shania Twain got married on New Year's Day. So what? Is she even a celebrity anymore? When was the last time she made a record that got any attention? Who cares?

My conclusion is that Americans are crazy. They value insights into celebrity lives more than such important news items as a huge earthquake in Chile, Iran shooting two spy planes down in the Persian Gulf, and Senator's urging the necessity of permanent US bases in Afghanistan.

Furthermore, it is also my conclusion that the American population, for the most part, prefers to stick it's head in the sand and ignore the important things.

Sugar Substitutes - Hot or Not?

A couple of days ago, someone argued with us about the pitfalls of diet soda, so we decided to look them up. What follows is the result of our online digging.

We use artificial sweeteners every day whether it be in our sodas, coffee or a myriad of foods. We assume that these chemicals keep us from gaining weight and allow us to enjoy the foods we love without the caloric casualties. We also use them to help us lose and maintain our weights. But… is that wise?

There have been studies that link artificial sweeteners to weight gain and obesity. Why? Because apparently the artificial stuff tricks your body into thinking it’s getting sugar. Another theory is that they make us crave sugar even more, therefore we eat sugary things to satisfy the cravings.

But, some studies link artificial sweeteners to even more health problems, namely headaches, nausea and dizziness. Some lab results indicate that use of sugar substitutes can lead to mood swings, depression and panic attacks!

The online research we did made them out to be an even bigger boogeyman. With side effects such as enlarged organs, it’s a wonder that we ever put these things in our mouths.

Not to mention cancer. Some studies argue that the chemicals in artificial sweeteners can and do cause cancer in laboratory animals.

So... which sweeteners are the worst of the worst? By far, our research suggests Aspartame. And, studies also show that anything made from the Stevia plant is your best bet should you continue to use artificial sweeteners after reading this article.

We read a study online that suggests that, with the addition of artificial sweeteners into our daily diets, the instances of obesity rose. The study suggested that, when diet soda emerged on the market in the 1970's, the number of overweight people began to increase and those numbers never slowed down. Another study showed that lab rats who ate simple sugars consumed less calories than their cousins who ate sugar substitutes.

So... what's a girl to do?

Many have argued, especially lately, that it is best to not eat any artificial sweeteners or other additives in our food. There is a "chemical - free" movement organized by people who are sick of what processed foods do to our bodies.

We (by we I mean me and the mouse in my pocket) know that we are guilty of eating a lot of sugar substitutes. From our yogurt, to our Crystal light to our sugar-free gum, we are eating every artificial sweetener on the planet. Well, for us, that stops today.
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