Saturday, December 31, 2011

Out With The Old

A wise person (me) once said "If at first you don't succeed, kick somebody in the balls. It won't help them at all, but you'll be amused for at least ten minutes (that's approximately how long it takes someone to recover from being kicked in the balls... so you'll have a head start)."

So I didn't succeed a lot this year, not in ways that I wanted to anyway. What I ended up with was a slightly more acute vision of myself and the world around me. Since a lot of my friends and family are making "Year in Review" blog posts and such, I decided to be a lemming. Here's my take on what happened to me in 2011.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

If I Could Make A Soundtrack for The Walking Dead

I gave this a lot of thought, and this is what I came up with as a (metal) soundtrack at least for season one. Thirteen is a good number, no?

1. Ozzy Osbourne - Crazy Train

2. Metallica - The Thing That Should Not Be

3. Korn - Bitch We Got A Problem

4. Marilyn Manson - Sweet Dreams

5. Pantera - Drag The Waters

6. Disturbed - Land of Confusion

7. Black Sabbath - Black Sabbath

8. Drowning Pool - Bodies

9. Slipknot - Everything Ends

10. Type O Negative - Everything Dies

11. Slayer - South of Heaven

12. Dope - Die Motherfucker Die

13. White Zombie - Children of the Grave

What would be on yours?

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Miscellaneous But Amusing Shit

Oh, I've been LOLing all afternoon.

There is a "Christian" website that I was trolling till I realized it's probably a satire site. At least I hope it's a satire site. What brought me to the page in the first place was an article titled Eminem: Portrait of a Christian Hero. I LOLed. Seriously. Then I hit on an article titled Is Skyrim Teaching Your Children How To Perform "Rim Jobs" and Other Homo Erotic Sex Maneuvers? Also available on Christwire.org is a series of 51 Christian-friendly words for different things, like butthole (the rude sneezer), homosexuals (my favorite: clam dabbler), and testicles (Florida hairy speed bags?). Yeah, much LOLing to do on that site.

The other funny haha is the Google search terms that are bringing people to this blog. My most recent favorites: "is excessive farting grounds for divorce," "top ten fat women rock singers," and "riding the cotton pony panties."

Yeah. Google does make the world go round.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Top Ten Female Rock Singers

I was making a new station on Pandora One a little while ago, and I only wanted female rock singers. I came up with some of the usual suspects on my own, but I wanted a little variety so I googled "greatest female rock singers." I will readily admit I WTF a lot, but I actually said, out loud, WHAT THE FUCK when I read some of the lists the results pointed me to. I have questions.

  • How the HOLY HELL is Mariah Carey a rock singer? Did I fall off the planet and get sucked into an alternate reality where shrilly screaming pop princesses are considered rock stars? The only way I can even see her fitting into the category at all is if only her "crazy" were considered. Cause, yeah, some rock stars catch that pretty easily.
  • Alison Mosshart? Maja Ivarssen? Sharon Foo? What? Who the fuck are these people? I'm not saying they suck. What I am saying is how the fuck do they make the "top" lists when I, a certified pop culture whore, have never heard of them?
  • Pink is NUMBER 158? What? Are crack monkeys making these lists? 
  • Ok, this is the last one, but it's the biggest. HOW CAN YOU HAVE A LIST OF THE BEST FEMALE ROCK STARS AND NOT PUT JOAN JETT ON IT, FOR FUCK'S SAKE?
Damn. I do get a little heated over little things, so I better get off of that subject before I have a stroke. 

I'm making my own list for posterity's sake. And, since those evil ass monkeys can make their insipid little lists (with Whitney Houston on them), I get to put whoever the hell I want to on mine. Feel free to comment with your favorites, or bitch me out about my taste in women, er, music (if you dare). My list is in the order I think of them, not in any other particular order (because the hamsters in my head are a fickle bunch).

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Music Review: Halestorm ~ Halestorm & Reanimate

This is another CD that is not new, yet new to me. I was actually looking through amazon.com's suggestions based on The Pretty Reckless (whose debut album I absolutely loved). Amazon gave me link for Halestorm, and I listened to some of the available samples and that was all she wrote.

Halestorm's debut CD, appropriately called Halestorm (the Hale siblings are responsible for the naming of this band), was released in 2009 and peaked on the US chart at number 40. They had two singles break into the US top 10. The second CD in this review is called Reanimate: The Covers EP. It was released in March of this year and is pretty much a six song cover EP.

The first song I listened to on Halestorm was It's Not You, and I was hooked on the rest of the album. The music, though not exactly intricate by any stretch of the imagination, is solid and inspired. Though some of the reviews I've seen of the CD say that the lyrics are cliche, I didn't get that. This is a rock and roll album of exceptional caliber. I Get Off, Bet U Wish U Had Me Back and Love/Hate Heartbreak make me long for the days when we weren't force fed over processed "rock" acts (Nickelback, anyone?) and overtly sexual pop music made by teenagers. At times Lzzy Hale (not a typo) sounds like Anne or Nancy Wilson, sometimes she channels Joan Jett. Either way, this chick rocks. Hard. With cleats.

I picked up Reanimate after listening to their version of Lady Gaga's Bad Romance. There is a cover of Guns N Roses' song Out Ta Get Me, and it rocks. They cover Skid Row's Slave to the Grind, Heart's All I Want To Do, Temple of the Dog's Hunger Strike and The Beatles' I Want You. All are killer tracks.

My only disappointment is that Halestorm will not be releasing new music until sometime next year. I'll just have to make due with what I have.

Halestorm: On a scale of zero to ten stars with zero being the worst, this album gets TEN STARS.
Reanimate: On a scale of zero to ten stars with zero being the worst, this album gets TEN STARS.

Buy Halestorm from amazon.com.
Buy Reanimate from amazon.com.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Music Review: Five Finger Death Punch ~ American Capitalist

Five Finger Death Punch. I was a little excited about this CD and downloaded it on October 11th when it released. I am a relatively new 5FDP fan, having followed a YouTube link from my cousin's Face Book. I fell in love with them almost immediately and had to have both of their official albums, The Way of the Fist and War is the Answer. I loved them both in their entirety. I literally could not find a song on them that I didn't like. Which is why I was so excited over this new album.

And also why I was so disappointed.

Though American Capitalist is a good album, 5FDP set the bar pretty damned high with their first two albums. They created a standard by which all of their future releases will be judged.

From a metal standpoint, this record just does not "bring it," not for me anyway. IMO, it's too melodic. If I wanted to hear Linkin Park I'd shoot myself listen to Linkin Park. That's harsh, I know it.

There are a few songs on this CD that are mostly hard, namely Menace (excluding the chorus). My favorite song on the album is Coming Down. I did like the lead single, Under and Over It, which does pretty much set the tone for the rest of the album.

Again, I am not saying this is a bad record, it just isn't what I expected. Maybe I wanted too much, but I wanted the music that made me love this band. Not a commercial, radio friendly version of 5FDP. Regardless of what I've said here, this album is more than marginally better than anything labeled as rock or metal these days. I just hope this isn't a sign of what's to come with this band. I know the money and fame must be addictive, and I can't say what I'd do in this situation. I just feel a little let down.

On a scale of zero to ten stars, with zero being the worse, this album gets SEVEN STARS.

Buy American Capitalist by Five Finger Death Punch from Amazon.com

Five Reasons Why: You Should Watch AMC's The Walking Dead

Though you probably don't need any extra reasons to watch The Walking Dead (AMC @ 9:00 PM EST Sunday nights), I thought I'd think up a handful of reasons why you should if you don't already.


  1. ZOMBIES! Yeah. Everything is about zombies these days. Television, movies, books, graphic novels. Know what I have to say about that? 'BOUT DAMNED TIME. Though my first love will always be vampires, I've had enough of Count Sparkula and his roving gang of merry vegan vamps. Zombies only have one need: FOOD. They can't be reasoned with, they don't get tired or need to sleep, and they don't ever stop. This is why they're so damned terrifying. 
  2. Though zombies aren't an original idea, this series is. Adapted from a comic of the same name (available at an amazon.com link near you), the show follows a band of survivors as they try to live through the end of the world. Their stories are real, as are their fears, hopes and dreams. 
  3. Daryl Dixon. Norman Reedus. FINALLY! It's cool to be a redneck! Every rag tag group of zombie apocalypse survivors needs one bad ass to get them through the throngs of the undead. I was afraid when we met Daryl that he was going to be a stereotypical redneck, and he is, but he has a lot of depth. And an itchy ass. I sometimes have trouble with wanting to call him Dime Bag, though. ;)
  4. The WTF moments. Also known as "they did NOT just do that!" The writers are doing a good job of giving us characters that we just love to hate. Though the characters are not stagnant or one-dimensional, the script often takes us to places that we didn't see coming. The last episode, well, I won't tell you who and I won't tell you how, but someone bought the big one in a way that has kept us talking all week.
  5. Excellent television programming. Most of the network stations are mired in sitcoms, reality shows, singing competitions and cop dramas. AMC dares to be different. Much like FX with Sons of Anarchy, The Walking Dead is waking people up and tuning them in to this channel. I can honestly say that I sincerely hope the trend continues. Some of us are sick of the crap that network tv thinks we want to watch.
Don't forget, Sundays at 9 EST on AMC. If you want to catch up on season one, it is available on NetFlix or you can buy the DVD boxed set from amazon.com.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Blowing Mud

A while ago, I wrote a post about euphemisms for getting your period. Today we're going in a different, but equally disgusting direction. How can you tactfully say "I've got to shit" without making people nauseous.

My personal favorites are "the green apple splatters" and "bubble guts." I found some others that made me laugh so hard I thought I was going to have to "commit myself to the dumpatorium." Of course, you can always "storm the castle."

Euphemisms for taking a shit:

  • Download some mudware.
  • Fill the peanut butter jar
  • Hit paydirt
  • Make a grunt scuplture
  • Paint the bowl
  • Punish the porcelain
  • Sink the Bismark
  • Barbarians at the gate
  • Bunghole train has left the station
  • Contaminating the dog dish
  • Drilling for mud bunnies
  • Helping the ground hog find his shadow
  • Negotiating the release of the chocolate hostages
  • Polluting the pond
  • Singing with Michael Bolton (?)
Euphemisms for diarrhea:
  • Brownie batter
  • Liquid bummer
  • The Schlitz
  • Code brown emergency
  • The Tijuana two-step
  • Number three (two plus one!)
  • The chunky sputters
Euphemisms for farting:
  • Anal salute
  • Let each little bean be heard
  • Rebuilding the ozone layer
  • Trouser cough
  • Barking spiders (if you stomp your feet when you fart, you can announce you're "killing the barking spiders")
You MUST read the "fart etiquette" part of this page.

Monday, October 31, 2011

Book Review: World War Z:An Oral History of the Zombie War ~ Max Brooks

Book Review: World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War ~ Max Brooks

From amazon.com: Brooks tells the story of the world's desperate battle against the zombie threat with a series of first-person accounts "as told to the author" by various characters around the world.


This is exactly what this book is. It's told in excerpts from interviews with people who lived through the zombie apocalypse from it's beginning to the end of the "war." There are many different "interviewees" and each tells his or her story from a unique perspective. There are civilian, military and political points of view, and each tells a different aspect of the fight against the undead.


The book itself is unique, and so is it's premise. We've been assailed with zombie tales in recent literature and, while I hope this is a trend that continues, it's going to be difficult for writers to come up with unique points of view. Mr. Brooks doesn't have that problem here. 


Those interviewed range from a Chinese doctor who shares his experiences from the beginning of the war to a Russian soldier describing the horrors perpetrated on her army by it's superiors. My personal favorite is the story of the blind monk who managed to hold his own in the wilderness. 


We are told about military operations that failed miserably, accounts of families heading northward to escape the zombie horde, and American politician's struggles with having to basically decide who gets to live. Reading the book, I honestly could envision people making those same decisions. To me, if zombies came calling tomorrow, I would expect the world to fall apart the way it did in this novel. I would also expect the indomitable human spirit to rise up against the undead army and take back the world from it.


What Mr. Brooks has done here, and has done well, is written an excellent piece of zombie apocalypse fiction. The interview style is a novel idea and it made the story fresh and interesting. The writer also showed a vast knowledge of different countries' military and cultural practices, especially evidenced by the interviews with the Chinese doctor. 


My only real issue with the novel is that the different people telling their stories all seemed to be using the same voice. Though the names changed, as did the tales, the voices stayed the same. It became somewhat confusing when interviewees were revisited. I'll over look this issue, though, because this book was that damned good.


From beginning to end, I found the book to be interesting, riveting and highly recommendable. 


On a scale of one to five stars with one being the worst, I'd give this book FIVE stars.


Side note: I've been reading about the film adaptation of this book (with Brad Pitt, no less) and they're apparently going to end up turning this into a regular old zombie movie. That would be a BAD move, as this is an exceptionally told story that deserves to be told the way it was written. 

Buy World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War by Max Brooks on Kindle from amazon.com.
Buy World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War by Max Brooks in paperback from amazon.com.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

SPAM!

Spam. It comes in a can and loosely resembles meat. I've been trolling the internet for years but lately I've come across a myriad of ways in which spam is offered by the Hormel company. Here are a few of the most... er... succulent varieties.

Spam Meat Spread. It looks like a cross between potted meat (which I've always called potty meat for obvious reasons) and deviled ham. (link goes to walmart.com)

Spam Oven Roasted Turkey. Oven roasted turkey. If you believe that, I have some land in Florida I can sell you... cheap. (link goes to walmart.com)

Spam Lite. For the health conscious among you who do not care what you put in your mouth. (link goes to walmart.com)

Hickory Smoke Spam. For, uh, whoever wants their canned meat flavored with a little bit of liquid smoke. (link goes to walmart.com)

25% Less Sodium Spam. Heart healthier? (link goes to amazon.com)

Spam with Cheese. The reviewers seemed to like this one, except for Mr. Chunky Monkey who asked "where's the cheese?" (link goes to amazon.com)

Spam Hot & Spicy. For those of you that like a little muy calliente with your lips and assholes. (Sorry, that's hot dogs, isn't it?) (link goes to amazon.com)

Spam Classic Singles. For those of you who, you know, live alone and don't want to open a whole can of Spam because you don't think you'll eat it before it becomes penicillin in your fridge. (link goes to amazon.com)

Spam with BACON. The holy mother of all Spam products. As Paula Deen (might have) once said "there's nothing a little bacon can't fix." (link goes to amazon.com)

Wikipedia alludes to the flavors black pepper and garlic, but I couldn't find any representatives of those for sale on the web. There was even a limited edition "golden honey grail" in honor of Monty Python's Spamalot. (these two links go to wikipedia.)

for your viewing pleasure: green eggs and Spam!

Mackie's Haggis and Cracked Black Pepper Crisps

Seriously? Haggis flavored potato chips? WTF is haggis, you ask? Well, wikipedia says it's "Haggis is a dish containing sheep's 'pluck' (heartliver and lungs), minced with onionoatmealsuetspices, and salt, mixed with stock, and traditionally simmered in the animal's stomach for approximately three hours." Yeah. So it probably tastes like ass. 






Now someone's gone and made potato chips (crisps, for you non-English people - meaning: me) flavored like this stuff. I haven't actually eaten haggis, but if it tastes as bad as Menudo smells, well, I'll take a pass. 

Short Story Reviews: Zombie Weekend!

I downloaded a few free short stories and thought I'd share the wealth. All links go to Amazon.

Goddamn Redneck Surfer Zombies by Michael Jasper
Every summer the dead rise to... ride the waves? On coffin lids, no less. "So we taught the zombies to surf... At least we didn't have to worry about anyone drowning."

Zombie Joe and the Pogo Stick Legs by Geltab
Zombie point of view. Joe wanders into a diner in search of waffles instead of the usual grey matter fare and hilarity ensues. "About mid life makes a nice, medium rare brain, very enjoyable, you can almost taste the dissatisfaction."

LZR-1143: Perspectives by Bryan James
This is a standalone collection of six short stories, each about different victims of a zombie apocalypse. Though at times confusing, this collection is long on horror. It's part of a series of novels of the same name (LZR-1143).

Friday, October 21, 2011

Music Review: Everlast ~ Songs of the Ungrateful Living

Music Review: Everlast ~ Songs of the Ungrateful Living

I've loved Everlast for a long, long time starting with House of Pain. His voice is unique and the talent and perspective he brings to his music is undeniable.

I'm almost ashamed to admit this, but I didn't even know this album was coming, I found it by accident signing up for a Face Book music service. And I'm so glad I did.

Songs of the Ungrateful Living is his first album in three years and Everlast has come a long way since Jump Around. Virtually every song on this CD has a message that's relevant and sometimes poignant. His voice is his trademark, as are his honest and compelling lyrics. This album goes pretty much everywhere, some tracks sound like rockabilly, nearly even country. But it's all Everlast. The lead single, I Get By, is pure social commentary. "Every single day, I get a little more behind" and "I voted for some change and it's kind of strange, now that's all I got in my pocket." My two favorite songs here are Moneymaker and Long At All, though I liked every track on the album.

I know money's tight, but this CD is worth every penny.

On a scale of zero to ten stars with zero being the worst, this CD gets TEN STARS, and earns every one of them.

Buy Everlast ~ Songs of the Ungrateful Living on CD and mp3 at amazon.com.

Monday, October 17, 2011

(At Least) Ten Reasons Why A Vibrator Is Better Than A Real Man

Because one of my besties is threatening to get her friends gift cards from an adult toy store for Christmas, I thought I'd make a related post. Sort of. (And because I'm a funny mother fucker, too. :P) So. Yeah.

I'm going to start with ten reasons why I think vibrators are better than real men. Now, if you're a dude, don't get all holier-than-thou. This is all in good fun. I'm in no way a man basher. I happen to love men. Especially if they bear strong resemblances to Eminem or Vin Diesel and aren't alcoholic, women beating cro magnons (or paxcil addicted momma's boys). Yeah. I put the fun in dysfunctional, folks.

Here we go.

(AT LEAST) TEN REASONS WHY A VIBRATOR IS BETTER THAN A REAL MAN

  1. I don't have to talk to it.
  2. I don't have to cuddle with it.
  3. All it really wants from me is a bath and fresh batteries.
  4. It doesn't get upset if I have a headache.
  5. It NEVER finishes before I do.
  6. It won't cheat on me.
  7. I'm not going to catch anything from it (like an untreatable case of the babies).
  8. It will not snore.
  9. It will not hog the covers.
  10. It will not subject me to endless hours of football.
  11. It doesn't care if I'm wearing my good panties or not. 
  12. I'll never have to swallow.
  13. It'll never get anything nasty on my face or in my hair.
  14. It's never going to ask me to make it a sandwich.
  15. It'll never need viagra.
  16. It doesn't cause any drama when it's time to replace it. 
  17. It'll never ask me how big my last boyfriend was.
  18. It'll never compare me to it's last girlfriend.
  19. It'll never have a fit if I have other vibrators.
  20. It'll never fart and then hold my head under the covers.
  21. It'll never get busted watching porn.
  22. It won't leave it's dirty underwear in the floor.
  23. I don't have to worry about it getting along with my friends.
  24. It doesn't care about my taste in music.
  25. I call call out whatever name I want to. :)

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Plush Zombie Hat

This one is a no brainer. (AHAHAHA! I kill myself!)

The wonderfully insane membranes at Think Geek sent me a promotional e-mail today, titled "Think Geek Just Wants To Eat Your Brains."

Since zombies are all the rage now (BFF and I talked about this the other night and we think it's because people are just sick to death of vampires, especially sparkly ones), I'm not surprised that I'm starting to see zombie related stuff everywhere. While I think some of it is cool, a lot of it is just intended to cash in on the popularity of the horror sub-genre.

But this. Well, this is AWESOME. Behold it's glory:
If you'd like to own this little hat hair instigating memorabilia nugget, check out thinkgeek.com. The hat sells for $14.99 and shipping runs $5.39 to $15.99 depending on the method you choose. I don't know if it will keep your head warm, but it is likely to help you fit in when the zombie apocalypse finally hits.

Nom, nom, nom, nom... BRAINS!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Soup And Sandwich Ceramic Tray Duo

Even though I don't really buy housewares, I'm always looking for interesting items.

I found this little beauty on Uncommon Goods Dot Com. It's a tray that has a side for a sandwich (or birthday cake) and a place to fit in an included bowl for soup (or ice cream).

The set includes two plates or trays and two bowls for $30.00 plus $5.95 to $22.95 shipping, depending on how quickly you need them.

Wedding Ring Coffin

Did your marriage take a dirt nap and now you're stuck with a useless wedding ring? Don't want to take it to the "gold liquidators" to earn a little pin money? What do you do with the damned thing, then?

Well, how about a wedding ring coffin?

I found this little baby at Amazon.com for $34.99 plus $5.49 shipping. It has a plaque that reads "Bury the past and move on to a new tomorrow."
There seems to be a big movement lately that divorces are something to celebrate (I wonder if Hallmark started this idea). There are divorce parties (in this particular case, it was only celebrity rumor) and divorce cakes (and stores that cater to these events). So why not bury your wedding ring? 

Obviously I wouldn't advise actually burying it, unless you really need that level of closure. Especially if you rent. On second thought, with unexpected job loss and unemployment fueled foreclosures being so ubiquitous these days, I wouldn't advise burying it at all. You just might need to buy some Ramen one day. (I <3 Ramen!)

You could always leave it on your coffee table as a conversation piece. Well, unless you're dating. Because that conversation would be AWKWARD.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Pivot Power Power Strip

This has been on my shopping list for a while.

You know those plastic power strip/surge protector thingers that we who have eighty million electronic gadgets that need to be plugged in have by the bushel? You know how there's always that one stupid plug that takes up two spots on the damned power strip thereby rendering one of the outlets useless?

Well, no more.

Introduce yourself to the Pivot Power Power Strip. A little online windows shopping (har har, get it? WINDOWS shopping!) tells me that these nifty little things go for the pretty standard price of $29.99, and I think they're worth it. (The link I used goes to Think Geek Dot Com, the REAL greatest place on Earth.)

Oh, look, here's a photo opportunity:


Yeah. Look at that baby go.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Nummy Tum Tum Pure Pumpkin

Amazon.com is selling cases of twelve cans of this stuff for $24.92. It's billed as "Organic Pumpkin and Sweet Potato puree. High in Vitamin A and fiber. Helps with digestive system and weight loss."

Sounds sweet, right? Well, if you like pumpkin. Which, incidentally, I do not.

Why am I posting this here? Twelve cans of pumpkin/sweet potato puree doesn't sound that interesting.

The catch? It's DOG FOOD. Seriously.




While I can't see Fido being remotely interested in anything that doesn't taste like rack or roast of some unfortunate animal, apparently some dogs will eat pumpkin. The Amazon page has user reviews that say that they've either given this stuff to their pooches straight or mixed in with other, more traditional dog food.


According to the user reviews on Amazon, some of the cans are arriving dented, so take care if purchasing.


My favorite user review: "I will admit that I overlooked the "For Dogs" part in the tiny thumbnail picture but the title should include that important information. I bought this for my girlfriend and I and we are not dogs. The worst part is that this item is not eligible for returns.

Awesome.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Music Review: Sebastian Bach: Kicking & Screaming

Music Review: Sebastian Bach: Kicking & Screaming


I'm going to start here by saying that Skid Row is one of my favorite bands of all time, and Sebastian Bach is also one of my favorite singers. I will still sit back and listen to In A Darkened Room or Skid Row's cover of the Jimi Hendrix song Little Wing for hours. Skid Row and Aerosmith were the first and only real live show I've ever been to. (Incidentally, I went into Richmond Coliseum a Skid Row fan and walked out in love with Steven Tyler.)

I've really been anticipating the release of this album and pre-ordered it from amazon.com. I had heard the lead single (Kicking & Screaming) and had also seen the video. I did not like the lyrics or the vocals on the song and the video seemed too cheesy to be believed. Sebastian is hanging out in front of a wall making these shy (for lack of a better word) faces that just didn't look authentic. I was also treated to shots of Sebastian's girlfriend, Minnie Gupta, trying to dance the sexy dance in front of the same wall yet only managing to look embarrassed and uncomfortable.

With all that said...

I tried to look at this album as being Sebastian Bach, and not Skid Row. Unfortunately Sebastian with Skid Row set the bar pretty damned high. While I cannot find fault with the music itself, the lyrics and vocals are just south of generic while also managing to border on cheesy. Though it is somewhat a genre specific trait with hair metal, I had some difficulty understanding what Sebastian was singing and that degraded the whole listening process (Lamb of God's singer Randy Blythe is two or three smidgens easier to understand than Sebastian on this album, and that's saying something). By the third song on the album, I found myself not caring what he was saying. I don't know if it's the fault of the songwriters or if Sebastian is just not as good as he used to be, but the vocals/lyrics were awful to the point of being distracting. The only redeemable song on the album, for me, is Tunnelvision. The rest is just unremarkable.

Regardless, Sebastian will always be one of my favorite singers. I will say that he does still have "the scream," and it's damned good to hear it.

Remember that opinions are like assholes. Everybody has one and they usually stink. Look Sebastian up on You Tube and listen to some of the other songs on the CD, or listen to the samples on amazon.com and make your own decision.

On a scale of zero to ten stars with zero being the worst, this album gets THREE STARS.

Buy Kicking & Screaming on cd from amazon.com.
Buy Kicking & Screaming on mp3 from amazon.com.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Nine Eleven

By the time I post this, it will probably be midnight. It will be ten years since Tuesday, September 11, 2001.

It's hard to believe it's been that long.

I've said more times than I'd care to count lately that I "wish I'd just stop hearing about 9/11." I thought about that last night as I was watching YouTube videos of the events of that day and as I researched the links I'm going to use in this blog post and I can't believe I said that. Why did I say that? It's not like I want to pretend it didn't happen. As if the media would let me. As if I could let myself.

Where was I?

Sunday, September 4, 2011

My Ten Favorite YouTube Videos

I spend an inordinate amount of time online, I guess it comes with the territory. As with most people who are internet addicts, I spend a lot of those minutes on YouTube, mostly hunting down music, but sometimes I find some really cool and/or funny shit. I figured I'd share the love. These are my top ten favorite amusing YouTube videos, in no particular order. All links go to YouTube, naturally.

Music Review: My Darkest Days ~ My Darkest Days

Music Review: My Darkest Days ~ My Darkest Days


I'd never heard of these guys before, but my cousin recently posted one of their videos on Face Book. I clicked the link and liked the song so I figured I'd give the rest of the record a listen.

Canadian band My Darkest Day's debut album, which is self titled, was released on September 21, 2010. It peaked on the Billboard Top 200 Album Chart at number 58.

Porn Star Dancing is a great rock song. What makes it even better are Zakk Wylde's guitar work and a rap from the king of the dirty south, Ludacris. My Darkest Days should consider itself lucky to have one of the premier guitarists in the world and Luda performing on this song. Kroeger's verse in the song seems rather generic. There is a "rock" version of this song on the CD without Luda. (I'm guessing that Kroeger appears on this song because he "discovered the band" and helped them get a record deal.) This song and the video both kind of remind me of Theory of a Deadman's Bad Girlfriend.

The only other really notable song on this album is a remake of Duran Duran's 1993 hit Come Undone, which sounds good with heavier guitar. The singer does not do Simon LeBon justice with his breathy, whiny voice, but sometimes the chorus sounds exactly like D2.

Nothing else on this album really stands out, I used the word generic a minute ago, and I think it fits the rest of the songs. The music isn't un-listenable, but the lyrics and vocals are just not memorable. It's like they're trying to create a hybrid by crossing Hinder, Nickelback and Fall Out Boy. I'm not saying it's a bad album, it's just not great. This and music like this makes me question if rock really is dead?

On a scale of zero to ten stars with zero being the worst, this album gets an average FIVE STARS.

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Watch the video for Porn Star Dancing (extended cut featuring Zakk Wylde, Ludacris and Chad Kroeger) on YouTube.
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Buy My Darkest Days from Amazon. (I did not see any reference to digital files being on sale at Amazon. I don't use iTunes, so I have no idea if the music is available there.)

Friday, September 2, 2011

On Books, Nooks, Kindles, iThings and Free Shit

Digital books. I don't know why they bother me as much as they do.

I made the transition from eight track to vinyl to cassette to CD to mp3 fairly seamlessly. Having about forty million... er, a few thousand mp3's (15.5 gigs, actually) at my fingertips to listen to whenever I get the urge without having to drag out a dusty box of CD's that I haven't touched in months to find that one goddamned Sophie B. Hawkins CD that I just HAD TO LISTEN TO... well, I'm sure you see my point. The only suckage is that my laptop speakers suck donkey dick and if I want to listen to music without my demonically possessed, soul sucking Dell piece of shit precious pink laptop, I'm basically fucked. So for the last couple of months I've been on the hunt for an mp3 player.

Music Review: Tech N9ne ~ All 6's and 7's

Music Review: Tech N9ne ~ All 6's and 7's

I heard about Tech N9ne (pronounced Tech NINE) via word of mouth, or word of message board. I have been on a BIG hip-hop kick lately, listening to Royce Da 5'9"'s new CD Success Is Certain, Yelawolf's Trunk Muzik 0-60, Bad Meets Evil's Hell: the Sequel and Jay Z and Kanye West's new collaboration album Watch The Throne. I'm not going to review that particular CD here because I'm afraid my review might be tainted by the fact that I think Kanye West is a giant talent-less douche bag. (To make a long story shorter than it should be, Jay-Z makes it worth the $16.15 for the deluxe edition.)

But Tech N9ne. Holy SHIT. Where do I start? With the mohawk, maybe? AWESOME!

Anyway, a little investigating told me that he is an independent artist, and this album bounced onto the Billboard Top 200 chart at number four on it's debut in June of this year. I went to YouTube and watched the video for He's A Mental Giant, and at first I thought the title suggested that somebody was too big for his britches, but I was quickly proven wrong. He was just being honest. And I had to have the rest of the CD.

He is a lyricist of the highest order with a flow that made me want to continue to put each song on repeat until I'd wrung out every possible drop of poetic insanity that Tech N9ne has to offer. He is an intelligent rapper, clever with words, rhyme schemes and subject matter. Often his message is dark, but this in no way overshadows his talent or comes off as gimmicky. His flow is FAST and the beats that he uses to transport his inner most thoughts and feelings into that extending axon-less grey matter that we call our noodles makes each and every one of our lobes vibrate. Fuck Food is a sick song, and has guest appearances from Lil' Wayne and T-Pain who both have become seemingly ubiquitous presences in hip-hop these days. He's A Mental Giant is a standout here, as is Mama Nem. These are just my favorites from the cd. I'd have to say that the entire fucking thing is good and has an amazing replay-ability factor, judging by the amount of times I've replayed it in the last day or so since I've had it. I will say DO NOT BUY AN EDITED VERSION OF THIS CD. You'll be completely confused as I'm sure half of it will be bleeped or whatever the fuck they do to edit music these days. If you're offended by strong language, you probably need to remove the two-by-four from your donkey-donk anyway.

I've read some really scathing posts about Tech N9ne and his willingness to collaborate with "pop rap" or mainstream rappers to get his album sold. (He fucking collaborated with the Deftones on If I Could from this CD. He gets massive, MASSIVE brownie points from me for even knowing who they are.) I bet anyone who gets this CD is going to be 90% likely to look up his other albums, and I doubt we'll be disappointed. Did he sell out? Probably... every fucking copy of this CD that they pressed. And he deserves it.

On a scale of zero to ten stars with zero being the worst, this cd gets TEN STARS.
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See the video for He's A Mental Giant on YouTube
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Buy Tech N9ne - All 6's and 7's from amazon.com. Album also available in mp3 format. I don't know jack or shit about iTunes, so I couldn't tell you if it's available there or not.

Upcoming Music Reviews

I'm one of those rare anomalies among music fans who will literally listen to any genre. I am not limited to top forty radio or MTV for new music discoveries, or I'd be completely fucked. I'm sorry, but with Beiber's gender ambiguity (does he even have testicles yet?), Gaga's flat out psychotic/schizophrenic bullshit (split personalities - Jo Calderone, anyone? Though I have to grudgingly admit I like the song Yoü And I, though the video may be her freakiest one yet. Somehow she pretty much ends up fucking herself, as herself and Jo Calderone...) and Nicki Minaj's fashion challenged attention-whoring weirdness (and possibly fake bumpers and also her split personalities - apparently Sybil syndrome is hip now)? I'd probably be better off with a full frontal lobotomy than trying to keep up with whatever the tweens are listening to. It's like Eminem said in the song Syllables: "How do we adapt and get TRL votes when thirteen year old's control the remotes?" Is it bad when all pop music really has to redeem itself is Katy Perry's Last Friday Night and LMFAO's Party Rock Anthem? You've got to check out that LMFAO link if you haven't. The song is awesome and the video is clever as hell.

Side note: WTF was Nicki wearing at the 2011 VMA's for fuck's sake? Was that thing she had a chew toy for a giant fucking guinea hog, or what? The Huff Post published an article about her ensemble titled Girlfriend Wears An Entire Toys-R-Us.

Anyway, word of mouth has gotten me some seriously killer music lately, and I thought I'd pay it forward by telling you a little bit about these musicians that you may not have heard of (especially if you're tragically un-hip like me). Some of this music is not new, but it's new to me. Maybe it'll be new to you, too.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Book Review: The Dying Times (The Survivor Chronicles) by Brian Kittrell

Book Review: The Dying Times (The Survivor Chronicles) by Brian Kittrell

I've been reading a lot of books on Kindle that are self published (and either low-cost or free) and I’ve had quite a few good reads. Unfortunately, this is not one of them. Post apocalyptic horror involving survivors and zombies is right up my alley, but this book is a real roadblock for my willingness to read self published work. This one is literally so bad, I didn't even read the last tenth of it. I just didn't care. 

From Amazon.com: The Dying Times: Nadene's Story is the first book in a planned series of survival horror set in a post-apocalyptic world filled with flesh-eating undead zombies. It tells the story from the perspective of a 13-year-old girl who has been thrown from an uncertain world of divorce and dealing with the stresses of a single parent family to a world overtaken by a viral disaster which turns normal people into depraved creatures hellbent on destruction.

Yes, folks, there’s even a typo in the description. (Hellbent = hell-bent.) 

We're given a clue as to how bad this book might be when Mr. Kittrell gives us a "word from the publisher" (himself) followed by a "word from the author."

In my opinion, the major flaw of this book with regards to the description is that this story is not told from Nadene’s point of view. If it had been, it would have been at least mildly entertaining.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Honk If You Love Hay-Seuss

Folks, I make no secret of the fact that I do not believe in a god. My standard answer when I'm asked if I've found Jesus is "where was the last place you saw him?" If someone asks me if I'm born again, my reply is "I think I was born okay the first time."

People usually don't like those answers.

When they find out I do not believe in a god, their first response is usually "oh, so you're an atheist?"

Um. Not exactly. There are, after all, differing degrees of heathen-ism. If you say to me "Georgie, I'm a Christian,"I do not automatically assume that you're a Baptist. You could be a Branch Davidian for all I know. It does piss people off when I ask "what kind of Christian?" They don't like that.

Atheism is defined as the absence of belief that any god exists. Atheists do not think that God or Satan, Yaweh, Buddha, the Green Man, heaven or hell or anything else along those lines exists.

I am agnostic. There is a difference.

An agnostic is defined as "one who believes that it is impossible to know whether there is a god." Agnostics do not think that God or Satan, Yaweh, Buddha, the Green Man, heaven or hell or anything else along those lines exists, but they allow the possibility that they might.

While I believe that the presence of a "supreme being" cannot be proved, I believe that the reverse is also true. The presence of a god cannot be disproved. Essentially, I'm a fence sitter.

Religion itself is very personal as well as completely confusing. In it's most innocent of forms, it is a comfort to those in need as well as (good) rules to live by. In it's most innocuous, wars are fought in it's name and innocents are slaughtered simply because their beliefs differ from those of the invading warlords.

I was raised Presbyterian. It wasn't until something (very personal) happened to me in the early nineties that I began to question the presence of a god. By the time I was thirty, I was sure that he (she/they/it) wasn't there. I'm not entirely convinced, because there are things that have happened to me that I cannot explain with the tools I possess. But, if I were to wake up one day confronted by proven knowledge that there is, in fact, a god, I can't honestly say I would get down on my knees and worship it. I haven't asked it for help in damned near twenty years, I sure don't need it now.

I do, though, envy faith. As in faith in a supreme being. It's something I can't say I've ever had. I sometimes think that there is something wrong with me because I can't just blindly trust in something that isn't tangible. Why can't I when so many others can?

It is, though, wrong to assume that those who claim a belief in the absence of a god do not know anything about religion. I and many like me study all religions (not just the one that the televangelist says is the right one). We're curious about it in all it's forms. Maybe some are like me and want to know what's wrong with them that they just can't simply believe like so many others can.

It wasn't until I discovered the internet (you hear that - I DISCOVERED THE INTERNET) that I began to find that I wasn't alone. There are chat groups, message boards and web sites dedicated to every branch of what I call heathen-ism (some people refer to themselves as infidels - ROCK ON!). I don't feel like a total minority of one anymore, and it's nice to see so many people being not only open but vocal about their beliefs. (Check out this list of famous atheists and agnostics. Some of these names may surprise you!)

I guess what I want to say is do not judge me by my cover. (I think that most gods say that you shouldn't judge anyone, anyway don't they?) Just because I believe differently than you does not mean that I'm wrong. I'm just not your kind of right.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Busting Out The Granny Panties

As a female, I have the absolute right to complain about my period. It's painful, disgusting and downright pisses me the fuck off. And, of course, it's not like dudes can ever really understand what it's like (just as I can never truly understand what it's like to get punched in the balls).

Anyway, I was sitting on the toilet a little while ago, well, doing what I do when I'm sitting on the toilet, and I began to think of all the euphemisms I know for getting my period. My two favorites are "falling off the roof" and "the monkey got a nosebleed" (thank you, Supah Jammy for that last little, er, nugget).

I actually have a funny story regarding "falling off the roof." You know (well, if you're a girl you know) that you can sort of tell when you're going to get your period? The cramps, the bloating, the little insignificant things that turn us into raging thunder cunts faster than Michelle Bachmann causes us to go WTF every time she opens her mouth. Well, picture this: I'm on the sofa with one of my former love slaves. It's the beginning of our relationship and we're doing some serious making out. I look at him all sexy like and say "come on, honey, let's go do it, cause I think I'm gonna fall off the roof tomorrow." Ok. Bad choice of words. He had no idea what I really meant, so he literally thought I was planning to fall off the roof. He was horrified. In fact, he was so horrified that he couldn't recover enough to give me the baloney pony that night. (And I was right about falling off the roof, so I didn't get any for the whole next WEEK!)

Anyway, once I got done with my bathroom business, I decided to google "euphemisms for getting your period," and found several gems that I consider my civic duty to pass along to you. They're here, after the jump.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Cover Me Part Deux

So, I've given you a list of my fifty favorite cover songs. Here's the list of my ten least favorites... in no particular order. 

Cover Me, Come On And Cover Me

Cover songs are a fact of life. Some people like them, some people don't. With the general public's attention span these days, it's possible for you to not even know that the song you liked on the radio last week might be a cover song.

What's a cover song, asks he who has lived under a rock for the last, oh, eighty years or so? A cover song is a recording that an artist (or a scumbag like Britney Spears) might make of someone else's previously recorded work. 

Can anybody make a cover version? Yes, and no. If you're thinking you might want to make a polka cover of the newest Justin Bieber song (in which case, your version will be a thousand thousand times more noteworthy than the original) you have to negotiate a license with the holder of the copyright for the original song. In some cases, the holder of the copyright isn't even the artist, those deals are made when contracts are signed between the music publishing companies, record labels or any one of a thousand other companies/agencies that get involved in the process of taking money from artists to be able to use their own work. (Gee, Georgie, bitter much? Why yes, yes I am. Too many up and coming musicians never read the fine print and manage to not only get fucked out of their money, but their own music.) In most cases, the copyright holder will need to be paid a "royalty" fee to obtain their permission for your cover. If the copyright holder doesn't like you doesn't want a cover made of their song, they have every right to say no (and some of them probably should have). Don't cry, just pick another song. After all, money talks.

Anyway, after the jump are fifty of my favorite cover songs. Please remember I said MY FAVORITE. I do not care if you do not like them, this is my blog. Go write your own.

Read 'em and weep. (All links go to YouTube.)

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Found

My Grandma Mimi used to say "shit happens." She was right:

Book Review: Shady Bizzness: Life As Marshall Mathers' Bodyguard In An Industry of Paper Gangsters by Byron Williams

Book Review: Shady Bizzness: Life As Marshall Mathers' Bodyguard In An Industry of Paper Gangsters by Byron Williams


This book is a "tell-all" about life as a bodyguard for Eminem. It is a self-published book by a former employee. It's description from Amazon.com: "Shady Bizzness" tell[sic] about real life events of his public and private lifestyle. The book details the good times, hardships, drug abuse, domestic violence, scandals, sex, near-death experiences, murder, oppression of employees and bitter betrayl[sic]." 

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

I Don't Care Who You Are, That's Funny Right There

The movies I watch are a diverse lot. I like action flicks (if there's some shit blowing up, getting set on fire, dismembered or run over with a truck, I'm on it), I like horror movies and fantasy flicks (think Harry Potter and The Lord of the Rings) and I love movies with post-apocalyptic plots (like The Road and The Book of Eli).

I do like me some comedies, though. From Animal House to The Toy to The Blues Brothers, Blazing Saddles and Ghostbusters, I pretty much like all of them that do not wear the label "romantic comedy." Those usually suck ass. (My opinion, remember?)

I thought I would make a little list of some of the coolest comedies I've seen in the last few of years. Maybe you will see one listed here that you want to watch. If you've seen something awesome that didn't make this post, feel free to comment with it.

All links go to the Internet Movie Database (IMDB).


Nothing Good Can Come of This

A diet is the penalty we pay for exceeding the feed limit. - Anonymous


Not a day goes by that we don't see either some ad for a diet product, or some study on how America has the most Cartmans fat assed kids in the whole world. What we're eating is important. How we're eating it is, too. Just today I saw an article about how McDonald's is going to half the size of the orders of fries in the Happy Meals targeted at children. They're even going to be putting apples in each of those happy little boxes.

A couple things in the news today have caught my eye and I've decided I want to talk about them.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Holy Shit, It's Monday

Good Lordy whoady, you must be gone off that water bottle. 


Found in the headlines today:

Mom convicted in son's jay walking death. Yeah. I had to read that twice, too. Ok. I'll break the article down for you. Mom and three kids got off a bus in Marietta, GA and, instead of crossing the street at an intersection, she took them across 3/10 of a mile from it. Some drunken redneck* ran over the four year old boy, killing him. (EDIT: I think I read that all of them got hit except for one girl that ran ahead, I could be wrong, though.) The drunken redneck served six months of a five year sentence for the hit and run. Mom was convicted of homicide by vehicle and reckless conduct and could get a 2.5 year sentence. This was also the drunken redneck's third hit and run. THIRD. Personally, I hold mom responsible. The whole three times I've been out in public and responsible for other people's kids, I've been paranoid about anything happening to them. I don't even drive the speed limit with kids in the car. But this woman already has to live with the death of her son on her hands. Taking her away from her surviving children for what will amount to six times the sentence the drunken redneck served is unacceptable. How can they even convict her of homicide by vehicle when she wasn't driving?

Knights Templar: In Mexico, Like Norway, Criminals Look To Past For Legitimacy. The breakdown: There is a Mexican drug cartel calling itself the Knights Templar, and they're using a moral "code of conduct" in their dirty drug dealings (which also include pillaging, raping and plundering - not to mention murder). Now they're saying that the dude that blew up Norway last week considers himself to be a Templar. What? Did Norway Dude have to whack ninety some people in order to protect Mary Magdalene the Holy Grail? And what does dealing the ganja have to with a medieval order that invented banking and strong armed anybody that pissed off the Catholic church? Not a goddamned thing, that's what.

Not related: It's raining again. Today is AWESOME!

Kim Kardashian is suing Old Navy because they're using a model that looks like her in their new ad campaign. She's hoping to get $20 MILLION out of the lawsuit. Fu... what? For real? Is she going to sue Reggie Bush for fucking said look-alike? Want to know what I think about this? Really? Fuck a bunch of Kim Kardashian. And fuck anybody that wants to look like her. You think she's natural? Fuck no. I don't care about her stupid x-rays, her ass is as fake as Nicki Minaj's. Remember, this is a woman whose mother is married to Bruce Jenner, but is considering changing her last name back to Kardashian (her dead former husband that she divorced before he died's last name) just so she can cash in on... whatever the fuck they do for money. This is the second most fucked up family in America... right behind the Lohans.

Jesus. I get so bent out of shape over stupid people. But... without them, I'd have nothing to blog about.

In other news: Neil Patrick Harris is on the Daily Show tonight. Real must watch tv.

In other, other news, walmart.com wanted me to write a review for the lap top fan I bought this month, but their stupid form thinger wouldn't let me submit it. Fuck you, walmart.com. Fuck you.

*I embellished the redneck part, but dude was actually (and admittedly) drunk and high on prescription painkillers.

Them Bones



I believe them bones are me.

I read Russell Brand's post about Amy Winehouse today. It was enlightening and the first thing I'd ever read that was about Amy the person instead of Amy the drug addict.

I'm seeing a lot of things differently tonight.

I got put into a position where I had to choose sink or swim. I chose to swim, but I had to ask for help in doing it.   Proverbs 16:18 says "Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall." (Yes, I quoted the bible, goddamnit.) I don't know a fuck of a lot about haughty spirits (the ghost of Toreadors past?), but my pride sure took a beating. Was it worth it? Ultimately, yes. I'm learning that, sometimes, when someone says they love you, they really mean it. And that old saying "when times are the hardest, you find out who your friends are" really is true. What's that? Did you just say "Georgie, I want another cliché?" I'm in an obliging mood, so here's another: If it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger. And I sure as hell ain't dead yet. (An awesome stop on the frequently derailing train of thought that is Georgie's stream of consciousness: Cliche Finder.)


I saw a picture of Kristin Stewart all geared up for Snow White. It's the first picture of her I've ever seen her looking hot in. I do love me a chick in armor.






It's 3:00 in the morning now, and the day's been an emotional roller coaster, topped by a hug from a sweaty Yeti. (I am, actually honored. Yeti's do not hug often.) The children are nestled all snug in their beds and the house is quiet. It's a good time for reflection. "Some dance to remember, some dance to forget."


I think we've all done things we're not proud of. We've hurt the people we loved and lashed out at those who just wanted to help. Pride gets in the way a lot, I guess. "They stab it with their steely knives, but they just can't kill the beast." I've let people who didn't deserve my love come between me and blood family. I've gotten so involved in my own shit that I've lost touch with the people around me. I've cut people off when they needed me the most. I always expected those things to come back to bite me, and they always have. thefreedictionary.com defines karma as "the total effect of a person's actions and conduct during the successive phases of the person's existence, regarded as determining the person's destiny." I don't believe in a lot of things, but I do believe in karma. Whatever you do in life always comes back to you, one way or another. We always get what we deserve. "Sooner or later, Georgie, they all float down here."


I think today I learned that good karma comes back too, and I learned it in a big way. I'm still stunned, floored if you will. I smiled. I cried. I felt like a million bucks. I felt like Sally Field. "You like me, you really like me!"


In actual news today, I read about the first legal same-sex marriages in the state of New York. They talked about a lesbian couple who were aged 76 and 84 and have been together for 23 years. I cried again. I made a comment on another blog about all the shit going wrong in the world today that it's awe-inspiring to see something like this. Somewhere in the world, something is going right. 


Goodnight, sweetheart. Goodnight. 

Sunday, July 24, 2011

To Watch Or Not To Watch, That Is The Question

I decided I wanted to make a list of my favorite current television shows. Meaning the ones that are still on the air. These are in no particular order. And they often cause my DVR to smoke unnecessarily.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Love, Or Something Like It

What follows is my Win Amp playlist of "love" songs. As you can probably tell, I'm something of a cynic/downright asshole. Or, I really, REALLY have a sense of humor.

Till My Hip Don't Hop No More

I've been on a big hip-hop kick lately. No, I don't know why. But I thought I'd do a detailed list of my current top twenty favorite hip-hop songs. (Notice how I said that? "My favorites." Meaning I don't necessarily give a shit about what rap is the best ever. I like what I like.) My list probably won't look like yours, and that's ok. You might even think mine's wrong. That's ok too. Dance to the beat of your own drum, dude. Mine's taken. These aren't in any particular order. Who needs order? It's overrated. Oh, and all links go to YouTube. Which is ubiquitous. Like Jesus, and the clap.

Now, no bitching. We all know that rap is chock full of questionable lyrics and misogyny. And drugs and drinking and killing people. And hos and blunts and, well, shit, just about everything. I won't get on a soapbox here about people who use any form of entertainment to blame for dirty deeds (Columbine and Manson, anyone?), but people seriously need to get their shit together. Bad parenting is bad parenting with or without a song that says "...slowly she gets in and I begin to lynch her with sixty-six inches of extension cord." If your kid is that damned impressionable then you need to take him to a shrink. And if you bought your twelve year old that CD with the parental advisory sticker on it, knowing damn good and well that your kid isn't ready for that kind of content... well, then FUCK YOU.


Anyway, here's my list. Like it. Or don't.

Book Review: Fire (Elements of The Undead) by William Esmont

Fire (Elements of The Undead) by William Esmont


No one knows what caused the dead to rise. No one knows what caused them to attack the living. Fighting for their lives, scattered survivors find the attempted cure to be almost worse than the disease.

In the twilight of a shattered civilization, the fate of humankind rests upon the actions of a handful of war-weary survivors. Driven to a scorched corner of the former United States, they alone hold the key to a global reawakening.

Or the final epitaph for a dead planet.



I was excited about getting my hands on this one for a few reasons. First of all, I am a huge horror fan. Secondly this one is about zombies. ZOMBIES. And, of course, I love post-apocalyptic themed fiction.


As the book begins, we are given an almost dizzying introduction to several of what will become the book's main characters. Some notables being Megan, who is a prostitute, Alicia is a grocery store clerk, Jack and Becka are New Mexican parents of two girls, and Cesar is a potential Mexican immigrant hell bent on finding his way through the desert to the promised land. We follow their stories and watch as their personal horrors unfold when the dead start to walk the earth. It gets even worse when the collective governments decide on a way to rid the most heavily populated places on the globe of the walking dead. 


In a lot of ways, this is a pretty standard zombie tale. Dead people start shuffling after live people, trying to eat their brains and everybody freaks out. The fittest survive and shore up in a defensible place to try and restart the world as they knew it. 


The difference here is the human angle and the struggle not only to survive but to effectively re-learn how to live. The inter-personal relationships here are important and offer a lot of insight into and development of the characters' lives. 


With that said, I do have some problems with this book. First of all, being as familiar as I am with the whole horror genre (whether it be movies, television or fiction) I feel that I've seen all this before. The book draws very strong comparisons to the AMC original show The Walking Dead with a few of the twists from Stephen King's The Stand thrown into the mix. And, in all honesty, the switching from character to character became somewhat confusing. I found myself having to go back and remind myself which person was which. I understand why the author did this, but it doesn't make it any easier to follow. The final, and probably most disturbing of all of the issues I had with this book is that it is an obvious beginning of a series. Sometimes I'm ok with this but, in this instance, it just aggravated me to know that I'm going to have to wait for these conflict resolutions. If I choose to read the sequel, which I may not. 


All in all, this book is well written and entertaining, if unoriginal. There are some heartbreaking moments and we do feel sympathy for the characters and their struggles. 


On a zero to five scale with zero being the worst, this book gets THREE STARS!


Buy Fire (Elements of The Undead) by William Esmont from amazon.com.

I Ain't Got Seventy Days

They tried to make her go to rehab, she said no, no, no. 

Woke up to the news that Amy Winehouse was found dead in her apartment Saturday. Though her death was considered "suspicious" by police, I don't feel that the autopsy and resulting toxicology report will surprise anyone. I've seen reports that her friends and family are "shocked" and "devastated" by her death, and maybe they are. But this wasn't a shocking tragedy like the death of Heath Ledger. We all knew that Ms. Winehouse had a drug/alcohol problem. So what's with the shock and awe?

Wasn't it just a couple of months ago that she got booed offstage at Belgrade because she was stumbling around onstage and couldn't remember the words to her own songs? And didn't she cancel the same tour after that with the excuse that she needed to go home and recover.

I wonder what happened to her support group of friends and family. Was she so far gone that they'd already abandoned her? Know where her dad was when she died? From Yahoo News: The singer's father, Mitch Winehouse, had arrived in New York this weekend to prepare for his U.S. performing debut Monday night at the Blue Note jazz club, but upon receiving news of his daughter's death was heading back home to London to be with his family, his publicist Don Lucoff said.


So, less than two months after his daughter got out of rehab and just over a month after she cancels her European tour due to her obvious drug problem, pop is in New York riding her coattails starting up his own music career. Awesome.


I just hope that she didn't die like Michael Jackson and Anna Nicole Smith. The people around them enabled them and provided the substances that the celebrities wanted/needed. 


I think what annoys me even more is that Amy became a celebrity pretty much on account of being fucked up all the time. Sure, she had one big hit (in the US). But anybody else would have faded into obscurity after their fifteen minute timer went off. She was kept in the headlines with awful pictures and tabloid stories. 




Yeah. Like that one. 


So why is the death of a known drug addict front page news? Are we all rubber necking on the internet now? Now, I'm not saying that her death wasn't a tragedy or that it isn't something to be sad over. 


But who's next? Lindsay Lohan? Charlie Sheen? 


And why do we really care?

Friday, July 15, 2011

On Blogger Templates And Having Too Much Time On My Hands

Along with making a new blog comes life altering choices like "what do I want my blog to look like," and "what do I want to feature on my page," and "holy shit, why do I have so much time on my hands?" Well, that last one is probably me-specific, but I'm diverging. Or derailing.

I spent an inordinate amount of time scouring the internet for free templates and this is where I found this one. It's cute. I want one with zombies on it, though, or vampires that don't sparkle, or Eminem (preferably naked). So I guess I'm going to spend what Paranormal State calls dead time trying to figure out how to make blogger templates. I've already fired up Photoshop and am scouring the net for pictures to use. I am so awesome at this shit, albeit a  bit rusty. Ok. More than a bit. I suck at Photoshop anymore and have to look up tutorials on how to do anything

Speaking of doing anything, I managed to make a few bucks off of another story today. Want to know how? Check this page out. And yes, I write nasties. It bought me this bottle of Diet Pepsi so I do not digress. Love me for who I am, not for who you want me to be. 

Parting thought? 

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." -Dr. Seuss 


Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Book Review: A Grim Pact by Adam Slade

A Grim Pact by Adam Slade

Adam Slade returns us to the urban fantasy world we first came to love in A Reaper's Tale. Mal the Grim Reaper is back in this tale which begins the day after the previous story's end.

This book opens to yet another intrusion into Mal's private life (and living room), when he is handed an assignment by his new apparition (or handler), a demon named Rufus. And then Xyla, Mal's new live-in girlfriend drops a bomb on him... Death is awake. Yes, THAT Death.

Things quickly go from bad to worse... demons are being offed and no one knows why. It's up to Mal and his band of friends to figure this one out, and quickly. Help comes from unusual places and Mal is never one to run from a challenge. (Not that he can run, his leg is still broken from his previous adventures.)

We see most of the characters from the first book returning in the second and their stories are expounded. The interpersonal relationships between the characters is extraordinary and none of these people are superfluous to the plot. My personal favorites are D'agryn and O'Hara, a demon couple defying conventions. And Charlie the Cat. Can never forget Charlie the Cat!

My favorite line in the whole book? "Nobody puts Xyla in a corner."

Mr. Slade guides this book from plot point to plot point with ease, never leaving us wondering where we've been, but rather where we're going. This story is told flawlessly and hilariously.

I absolutely recommend this tale to anyone who enjoys urban fantasy or who simply likes to read well written, involved and seriously funny stories. Personally, I can't wait for the next installment!

On a zero to five scale with zero being the worst, this book gets FIVE STARS!

A Grim Pact by Adam Slade is available for Kindle on amazon.com. Available in most other digital formats at SmashWords.

Meet Moochelle Obama

Yahoo dot come has outdone itself. While their front page news reports are most often centered around the entertainment industry anymore (remember La Lohan's mom's problems with Carvel Ice Cream, Lady Gaga's new album and Kim Kardashian's corn rows? All front and center), today they took shots at First Lady Michelle Obama's 1700 (or 1500, depending on which site you read) calorie lunch at a Washington DC area burger joint. Mrs. Obama, who is an outspoken proponent of eating healthy and exercising (especially for children), is apparently not allowed to be human and indulge herself once in a while. The article is here.


As I watched the little video (with a thirty second commercial before hand for a one minute and forty-five second clip. The joke's on Yahoo, though, because my ADD has already let me forget what the ad was for - but the song used was "Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This"), I sat here with WTF written all over my face. At least I think I did. I don't have a mirror handy and probably wouldn't look in it if I had it. But (derailments aside), Mrs. Obama had a cheeseburger, fries, chocolate shake and... a Diet Coke. 


Comments from the article (unedited... some of these people are obviously mentally challenged and/or could benefit from a good dose of shut the fuck up spell check):


"what a hippo-crit"


"KILL THAT BLACK B TOO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


"how dare THIS CONDESENDING $$%#% tell me how to eat. she and her husband make MILLIONS! when HE IS DONE putting this country in the poor house... we'll be lucky if we can eat at all"


"went right to her getto butt on our dimes!!!"


".President Hussein wants us to eat our peas and his wife devours a side of beef"


"EVERYTHING Obama and his wife Chewbacca does is for show. Plastic people controlled by handlers."


"she,s a tank already the uglyest first lady? ever"


"It's MUCH Cheaper to throw a few Cheese Burgers at MOO-SHELL than to have her flying around in Air Force One from Million Dollar Vacation to Million Dollar Vacation.......

With a Booty that BIG.....Air Force One is going to need new engines before our next president uses it....."


There was one calling her a slut for eating a freaking cheeseburger, but Yahoo is being a douche and won't let me go that far back. 


Update: I just found out that Yahoo is deleting comments. Joy of all joys. Some of them really needed to be deleted.


Two questions: 


1. Who really gives a shit what Michelle Obama (or anyone else for that matter) has for lunch?


2. What gives anyone the right to call somebody a slut for eating a fucking cheeseburger?


What I think disturbed me the most though, was the racist bent of some of these internet-emboldened commenters seemed to thoroughly enjoy. Folks, this might come as a complete shock to you, but I'm white. I'm a fat and happy white girl who loves hip-hop, collard greens and who bakes macaroni and cheese like a little old black woman. But to see a comment like "KILL THAT BLACK B TOO !" makes me heart sick. Folks, we're living in the 21st century! Enough of this shit already! We inherited a world where people are NOT equal. Race, religion and sexual orientation (among other things) lessen or increase a person's worth. Do you want your children to inherit the same world, or do you want to leave them a place that's better because you helped make it that way?


An aside: Don't think for one moment that I haven't considered myself at least partially responsible for the popularity of these articles. I can't refrain from CLICKING. I have to CLICK. My life will be so much better if I CLICK. So, yeah, I'm just exacerbating the problem here. I know it. I am, after all, a pop culture addict.
 
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