Thursday, January 19, 2012

Egyptian Mad Libs

How the Egyptians Made Mummies

Mummification was a disgusting process that took 70 days from start to finish. After a person died, he or she was carried by a frog across the Nile to a special hut where several men began preserving it. The first thing they did was to remove the body's frank organs to help prevent decay. The foot was pulled out through the nose while the stomach, intestines, liver, and lungs were taken out through a cut in the finger. The organs were dried in natron salt and stored in frothy containers called canopic jars. The rest of the body was washed with wine and vehicles and then covered in natron where it sat drying for 40 days. Once it was completely dried, the body was distant and leathery. The Egyptians rubbed it with sacred songs to help soften the skin. Then the body was adorned with beautiful detectives and wrapped with linen. Next, green amulets were inserted between the layers of linen as the mummy was wrapped. It was believed that they would dance the soul on its journey to Folsom Prison. The mummy was now ready to be placed in a television, where it would live for the rest of its afterlife!

Get your own here!

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Why Yes, Yes My Ass Is Chapped

Oh good lord. There seems to be so much to be mad at anymore. Where do I start? How about with fat?

Lately there has been a media uproar about Christina Aguilera being too fat. Too fat? Seriously? Now, there were some pics taken of her (I think it was at the Michael Jackson tribute concert) that were seriously unflattering. And then shit went off the hook about pictures of her in a Herve Ledger bandage dress. Because, apparently, she was too fat in that, too. For the record, here's the honest to gawd truth.

This is fat:
And, no, that isn't me, you douche nozzle.

This is NOT fat:

No matter which way you slice it, the media is causing women everywhere to think there is something wrong with them because they do not look like this scary skinny attention whore:  
And don't you dare tell me that Leann Rimes is "naturally thin." Naturally thin, maybe, but naturally skeletal? I think not. This is what she used to look like when she, you know, ate and stuff:
Fuck you, Leann Rimes, for making people think that a size negative three is NORMAL. Eat a goddamned sandwich and STFU. (And somebody please explain to me how her body got smaller but her tits got bigger?)

What else has got my tits in a bunch? I'm so glad you asked. 

If you know me, you know I have no love for The Kardashians Those Who Shall Not Be Named. For the most part, I think they are ALL money grubbing attention whores who are only famous because their dad helped OJ beat a murder rap and Kim Whore Number One has a giant fake ass and a sex tape. But I'm gonna stick my neck out here for a minute.

Khloe Kardashian is the tall one, the one that's funny and seems to actually have a personality. Obviously I don't know her personally, I'd have a drink with her, though, because she seems like she'd be awesome to hang out with. 

Her stepmothers have gone to the tabloids with the "fact" that Robert Kardashian knew that Khloe was not his biological daughter, but he loved the girl enough not to ask for a paternity test. Hear that? He LOVED HER enough not to ask for a paternity test. The dude is dead, and can't corroborate these bitches' stories, and, IMO, they need to STFU. Mr. Kardashian obviously loved his daughter and his daughter obviously still loves her father. Like I said, I don't know her, but if anybody EVER had the nerve to tell me that my daddy wasn't my real daddy, I'd fuck them up so badly their own mothers wouldn't be able to identify them. 

There has to be a line somewhere. This shit is getting out of hand. 

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