(At Least) Ten Reasons Why A Vibrator Is Better Than A Real Man

Because one of my besties is threatening to get her friends gift cards from an adult toy store for Christmas, I thought I'd make a related post. Sort of. (And because I'm a funny mother fucker, too. :P) So. Yeah.

I'm going to start with ten reasons why I think vibrators are better than real men. Now, if you're a dude, don't get all holier-than-thou. This is all in good fun. I'm in no way a man basher. I happen to love men. Especially if they bear strong resemblances to Eminem or Vin Diesel and aren't alcoholic, women beating cro magnons (or paxcil addicted momma's boys). Yeah. I put the fun in dysfunctional, folks.

Here we go.

(AT LEAST) TEN REASONS WHY A VIBRATOR IS BETTER THAN A REAL MAN

1. I don't have to talk to it.
2. I don't have to cuddle with it.
3. All it really wants from me is a bath and fresh batteries.
4. It doesn't get upset if I have a headache.
5. It NEVER finishes before I do.
6. It won't cheat on me.
7. I'm not going to catch anything from it (like an untreatable case of the babies).
8. It will not snore.
9. It will not hog the covers.
10. It will not subject me to endless hours of football.
11. It doesn't care if I'm wearing my good panties or not. 
12. I'll never have to swallow.
13. It'll never get anything nasty on my face or in my hair.
14. It's never going to ask me to make it a sandwich.
15. It'll never need viagra.
16. It doesn't cause any drama when it's time to replace it. 
17. It'll never ask me how big my last boyfriend was.
18. It'll never compare me to it's last girlfriend.
19. It'll never have a fit if I have other vibrators.
20. It'll never fart and then hold my head under the covers.
21. It'll never get busted watching porn.
22. It won't leave it's dirty underwear in the floor.
23. I don't have to worry about it getting along with my friends.
24. It doesn't care about my taste in music.
25. I call call out whatever name I want to. :)