In a perfect world, we wouldn't need pets. They're mostly around to keep us from being bored and lonely, right?
Sometimes, especially if you're the discriminating type like me, dogs and cats just don't cut in in the pet department. Lizards are awesome, but so 1996. So what's a person to do?
I was thinking about that this evening and decided that I would like to have a zombie pet. Though obviously not a traditional choice, I can make a case for them being good companions.
Note: There are some obvious precautions you must take if you decide to take on the responsibility of a zombie pet:
- Keep the little guy away from you at all costs. If you are awesome like Michonne, removing the arms and jaws of your pets will prevent some pesky gnawing issues in the future. (Remember, though, if you remove the jaw, it will not be able to eat at all, which means it will expire faster.)
- Be aware of where your zombie pet is at all times. If you take it with you to show it off to your friends and neighbors, do not let it out of your sight. Involuntary manslaughter, anyone?
- Keep a loaded pistol, a machete, or a crossbow (Daryl Dixon FTW!) handy at all times. It is a sad fact of life that our pets may occasionally have to be put down. No need to take it to a vet, that's just an added, unnecessary expense.
A Zombie Is A Good Pet
Here are the reasons why I think a zombie would make a good pet:
- They don't need to go for walkies.
- They don't need shots, spayed or neutered.
- They won't dig holes in your yard.
- They won't get fur all over your furniture.
- They likely won't hump your guests or sniff their butts.
- No barking!
- They won't wake you up at 5AM to be let out.
- They (probably) won't chase cars and trucks.
- Food is free. Naughty neighbor? Lunch! Boss is a jerk? Supper! Mother in law? (Did I say that out loud?)
- There is currently no registration program for zombie pets, so you won't have to shell out for tags.
- Your neighbors will all be jealous. (Except the naughty ones.)
- No dog dirt to step in in the back yard, and no litter box to funk up your bathroom. (You should, however, invest in Febreeze and those little tree air fresheners, especially in the summer. PEE YEW!)
- Zombie groomers... well... let's just say they won't need your repeat business.
- Nobody will care if your zombie isn't a pure breed.
- They won't look (quite as) dumb in Santa hats and ugly sweaters at Christmastime as other, more traditional pets.
- They're more durable that breathing animals. If a body part falls off - duct tape it back on. They probably don't need it anyway. try that with Fido! (Or don't.)
Truthfully, a zombie pet isn't made for the long haul. (Please don't flush them down the toilet when they cross over the Rainbow Bridge.) The good thing is that they're easily replaceable. Though it is highly unlikely that your new zombie pet will have a personality quite like your recently re-deceased one (or any personality at all, for that matter), each one is different.
Please be a responsible pet owner. Do not leave your pet zombie in a car on a hot day. Also, do not leave it unattended. They want to do bad things to you, and anybody else it can get its lips on.
Most of all, have fun with your pet. Especially if you knew it before it was turned. You'll thank me later.
