I am One Picky Bitch

Life is all about choices, and sometimes I take that to the extreme.

I didn't realize how much of a picky eater I am until I moved in with the Fletchers. I guess I'm just used to the way I eat. Then I thought about it, and realized that my pickiness worms its way into other parts of my life, too.

Here's a rather detailed rundown of my food weirdness.

Food:
- I don't like cold food on a plate with hot food. Though I'm less picky about it now, if someone makes me a plate and there is cole slaw touching mashed potatoes, I wouldn't eat any of it. Ditto with salad, applesauce or pickled beets.
- I will go to extreme lengths not to eat dark meat poultry. I will eat dark meat chicken if it's fried well done. For me this is a consistency issue. I don't like the greasiness.
- To that end, I will not, EVER, eat the fat part of a piece of steak, pork, ham, etc. It will make me gag.
- Though I love raisins, and I love oatmeal cookies, I do not want raisins in my oatmeal cookies. In fact, I do not want raisins in anything.
- I hate, hate, HATE onions, and will not eat a raw one. I will eat them cooked if they're mushy. I will, however, eat onion rolls, onion bagels and Funyuns. I like the flavor, but biting into a raw onion will make me throw up.
- The only kind of berry I will eat is a cranberry, and I rarely want those. Strawberries, blueberries and any other kind of berry do not make me happy. I think it's because the seeds in them are really gritty.
- I already mentioned onions, but I won't eat most popular condiments, either. Mustard, mayo, pickles, relish... no, no and more no. I will eat a sandwich dry, but do like ranch or blue cheese dressing on them, too. On a cheeseburger, I want lettuce and tomato only. On a hot dog, I prefer chili, cheese and cole slaw - the only way I'll eat cole slaw when it's touching something warm.
- I won't eat avocados, or anything made with them. Guacamole looks like baby shit and you couldn't pay me to eat it.
- The only way I'll eat artichokes is in spinach dip.
- I love squash and zucchini, but I do not want them cooked. I prefer them raw or stir fried until they are just hot. I won't eat them if they're mushy.
- I prefer veggies either fresh or frozen, but I will eat them from a can if I have to. I also do not want any veggie overcooked, especially broccoli, cauliflower or brussels sprouts.
- I traditionally don't like vanilla flavored anything. I used to call vanilla ice cream 'plain.'

Egyptian Mad Libs

How the Egyptians Made Mummies

Mummification was a disgusting process that took 70 days from start to finish. After a person died, he or she was carried by a frog across the Nile to a special hut where several men began preserving it. The first thing they did was to remove the body's frank organs to help prevent decay. The foot was pulled out through the nose while the stomach, intestines, liver, and lungs were taken out through a cut in the finger. The organs were dried in natron salt and stored in frothy containers called canopic jars. The rest of the body was washed with wine and vehicles and then covered in natron where it sat drying for 40 days. Once it was completely dried, the body was distant and leathery. The Egyptians rubbed it with sacred songs to help soften the skin. Then the body was adorned with beautiful detectives and wrapped with linen. Next, green amulets were inserted between the layers of linen as the mummy was wrapped. It was believed that they would dance the soul on its journey to Folsom Prison. The mummy was now ready to be placed in a television, where it would live for the rest of its afterlife!

Get your own here!

Why Yes, Yes My Ass Is Chapped

Oh good lord. There seems to be so much to be mad at anymore. Where do I start? How about with fat?

Lately there has been a media uproar about Christina Aguilera being too fat. Too fat? Seriously? Now, there were some pics taken of her (I think it was at the Michael Jackson tribute concert) that were seriously unflattering. And then shit went off the hook about pictures of her in a Herve Ledger bandage dress. Because, apparently, she was too fat in that, too. For the record, here's the honest to gawd truth.

This is fat:

And, no, that isn't me, you douche nozzle.

This is NOT fat:

No matter which way you slice it, the media is causing women everywhere to think there is something wrong with them because they do not look like this scary skinny attention whore:  

And don't you dare tell me that Leann Rimes is "naturally thin." Naturally thin, maybe, but naturally skeletal? I think not. This is what she used to look like when she, you know, ate and stuff:

Fuck you, Leann Rimes, for making people think that a size negative three is NORMAL. Eat a goddamned sandwich and STFU. (And somebody please explain to me how her body got smaller but her tits got bigger?)

What else has got my tits in a bunch? I'm so glad you asked. 

If you know me, you know I have no love for The Kardashians Those Who Shall Not Be Named. For the most part, I think they are ALL money grubbing attention whores who are only famous because their dad helped OJ beat a murder rap and Kim Whore Number One has a giant fake ass and a sex tape. But I'm gonna stick my neck out here for a minute.

Khloe Kardashian is the tall one, the one that's funny and seems to actually have a personality. Obviously I don't know her personally, I'd have a drink with her, though, because she seems like she'd be awesome to hang out with. 

Her stepmothers have gone to the tabloids with the "fact" that Robert Kardashian knew that Khloe was not his biological daughter, but he loved the girl enough not to ask for a paternity test. Hear that? He LOVED HER enough not to ask for a paternity test. The dude is dead, and can't corroborate these bitches' stories, and, IMO, they need to STFU. Mr. Kardashian obviously loved his daughter and his daughter obviously still loves her father. Like I said, I don't know her, but if anybody EVER had the nerve to tell me that my daddy wasn't my real daddy, I'd fuck them up so badly their own mothers wouldn't be able to identify them. 

There has to be a line somewhere. This shit is getting out of hand. 

Out With The Old

A wise person (me) once said "If at first you don't succeed, kick somebody in the balls. It won't help them at all, but you'll be amused for at least ten minutes (that's approximately how long it takes someone to recover from being kicked in the balls... so you'll have a head start)."

So I didn't succeed a lot this year, not in ways that I wanted to anyway. What I ended up with was a slightly more acute vision of myself and the world around me. Since a lot of my friends and family are making "Year in Review" blog posts and such, I decided to be a lemming. Here's my take on what happened to me in 2011.

If I Could Make A Soundtrack for The Walking Dead

I gave this a lot of thought, and this is what I came up with as a (metal) soundtrack at least for season one. Thirteen is a good number, no?

1. Ozzy Osbourne - Crazy Train

2. Metallica - The Thing That Should Not Be

3. Korn - Bitch We Got A Problem

4. Marilyn Manson - Sweet Dreams

5. Pantera - Drag The Waters

6. Disturbed - Land of Confusion

7. Black Sabbath - Black Sabbath

8. Drowning Pool - Bodies

9. Slipknot - Everything Ends

10. Type O Negative - Everything Dies

11. Slayer - South of Heaven

12. Dope - Die Motherfucker Die

13. White Zombie - Children of the Grave

What would be on yours?

Miscellaneous But Amusing Shit

Oh, I've been LOLing all afternoon.

There is a "Christian" website that I was trolling till I realized it's probably a satire site. At least I hope it's a satire site. What brought me to the page in the first place was an article titled Eminem: Portrait of a Christian Hero. I LOLed. Seriously. Then I hit on an article titled Is Skyrim Teaching Your Children How To Perform "Rim Jobs" and Other Homo Erotic Sex Maneuvers? Also available on Christwire.org is a series of 51 Christian-friendly words for different things, like butthole (the rude sneezer), homosexuals (my favorite: clam dabbler), and testicles (Florida hairy speed bags?). Yeah, much LOLing to do on that site.

The other funny haha is the Google search terms that are bringing people to this blog. My most recent favorites: "is excessive farting grounds for divorce," "top ten fat women rock singers," and "riding the cotton pony panties."

Yeah. Google does make the world go round.

Top Ten Female Rock Singers

I was making a new station on Pandora One a little while ago, and I only wanted female rock singers. I came up with some of the usual suspects on my own, but I wanted a little variety so I googled "greatest female rock singers." I will readily admit I WTF a lot, but I actually said, out loud, WHAT THE FUCK when I read some of the lists the results pointed me to. I have questions.

• How the HOLY HELL is Mariah Carey a rock singer? Did I fall off the planet and get sucked into an alternate reality where shrilly screaming pop princesses are considered rock stars? The only way I can even see her fitting into the category at all is if only her "crazy" were considered. Cause, yeah, some rock stars catch that pretty easily.
• Alison Mosshart? Maja Ivarssen? Sharon Foo? What? Who the fuck are these people? I'm not saying they suck. What I am saying is how the fuck do they make the "top" lists when I, a certified pop culture whore, have never heard of them?
• Pink is NUMBER 158? What? Are crack monkeys making these lists? 
• Ok, this is the last one, but it's the biggest. HOW CAN YOU HAVE A LIST OF THE BEST FEMALE ROCK STARS AND NOT PUT JOAN JETT ON IT, FOR FUCK'S SAKE?

Damn. I do get a little heated over little things, so I better get off of that subject before I have a stroke. 

I'm making my own list for posterity's sake. And, since those evil ass monkeys can make their insipid little lists (with Whitney Houston on them), I get to put whoever the hell I want to on mine. Feel free to comment with your favorites, or bitch me out about my taste in women, er, music (if you dare). My list is in the order I think of them, not in any other particular order (because the hamsters in my head are a fickle bunch).

Music Review: Halestorm ~ Halestorm & Reanimate

This is another CD that is not new, yet new to me. I was actually looking through amazon.com's suggestions based on The Pretty Reckless (whose debut album I absolutely loved). Amazon gave me link for Halestorm, and I listened to some of the available samples and that was all she wrote.

Halestorm's debut CD, appropriately called Halestorm (the Hale siblings are responsible for the naming of this band), was released in 2009 and peaked on the US chart at number 40. They had two singles break into the US top 10. The second CD in this review is called Reanimate: The Covers EP. It was released in March of this year and is pretty much a six song cover EP.

The first song I listened to on Halestorm was It's Not You, and I was hooked on the rest of the album. The music, though not exactly intricate by any stretch of the imagination, is solid and inspired. Though some of the reviews I've seen of the CD say that the lyrics are cliche, I didn't get that. This is a rock and roll album of exceptional caliber. I Get Off, Bet U Wish U Had Me Back and Love/Hate Heartbreak make me long for the days when we weren't force fed over processed "rock" acts (Nickelback, anyone?) and overtly sexual pop music made by teenagers. At times Lzzy Hale (not a typo) sounds like Anne or Nancy Wilson, sometimes she channels Joan Jett. Either way, this chick rocks. Hard. With cleats.

I picked up Reanimate after listening to their version of Lady Gaga's Bad Romance. There is a cover of Guns N Roses' song Out Ta Get Me, and it rocks. They cover Skid Row's Slave to the Grind, Heart's All I Want To Do, Temple of the Dog's Hunger Strike and The Beatles' I Want You. All are killer tracks.

My only disappointment is that Halestorm will not be releasing new music until sometime next year. I'll just have to make due with what I have.

Halestorm: On a scale of zero to ten stars with zero being the worst, this album gets TEN STARS.
Reanimate: On a scale of zero to ten stars with zero being the worst, this album gets TEN STARS.

Buy Halestorm from amazon.com.
Buy Reanimate from amazon.com.

Music Review: Five Finger Death Punch ~ American Capitalist

Five Finger Death Punch. I was a little excited about this CD and downloaded it on October 11th when it released. I am a relatively new 5FDP fan, having followed a YouTube link from my cousin's Face Book. I fell in love with them almost immediately and had to have both of their official albums, The Way of the Fist and War is the Answer. I loved them both in their entirety. I literally could not find a song on them that I didn't like. Which is why I was so excited over this new album.

And also why I was so disappointed.

Though American Capitalist is a good album, 5FDP set the bar pretty damned high with their first two albums. They created a standard by which all of their future releases will be judged.

From a metal standpoint, this record just does not "bring it," not for me anyway. IMO, it's too melodic. If I wanted to hear Linkin Park I'd shoot myself listen to Linkin Park. That's harsh, I know it.

There are a few songs on this CD that are mostly hard, namely Menace (excluding the chorus). My favorite song on the album is Coming Down. I did like the lead single, Under and Over It, which does pretty much set the tone for the rest of the album.

Again, I am not saying this is a bad record, it just isn't what I expected. Maybe I wanted too much, but I wanted the music that made me love this band. Not a commercial, radio friendly version of 5FDP. Regardless of what I've said here, this album is more than marginally better than anything labeled as rock or metal these days. I just hope this isn't a sign of what's to come with this band. I know the money and fame must be addictive, and I can't say what I'd do in this situation. I just feel a little let down.

On a scale of zero to ten stars, with zero being the worse, this album gets SEVEN STARS.

Buy American Capitalist by Five Finger Death Punch from Amazon.com

Five Reasons Why: You Should Watch AMC's The Walking Dead

Though you probably don't need any extra reasons to watch The Walking Dead (AMC @ 9:00 PM EST Sunday nights), I thought I'd think up a handful of reasons why you should if you don't already.

1. ZOMBIES! Yeah. Everything is about zombies these days. Television, movies, books, graphic novels. Know what I have to say about that? 'BOUT DAMNED TIME. Though my first love will always be vampires, I've had enough of Count Sparkula and his roving gang of merry vegan vamps. Zombies only have one need: FOOD. They can't be reasoned with, they don't get tired or need to sleep, and they don't ever stop. This is why they're so damned terrifying. 
2. Though zombies aren't an original idea, this series is. Adapted from a comic of the same name (available at an amazon.com link near you), the show follows a band of survivors as they try to live through the end of the world. Their stories are real, as are their fears, hopes and dreams. 
3. Daryl Dixon. Norman Reedus. FINALLY! It's cool to be a redneck! Every rag tag group of zombie apocalypse survivors needs one bad ass to get them through the throngs of the undead. I was afraid when we met Daryl that he was going to be a stereotypical redneck, and he is, but he has a lot of depth. And an itchy ass. I sometimes have trouble with wanting to call him Dime Bag, though. ;)
4. The WTF moments. Also known as "they did NOT just do that!" The writers are doing a good job of giving us characters that we just love to hate. Though the characters are not stagnant or one-dimensional, the script often takes us to places that we didn't see coming. The last episode, well, I won't tell you who and I won't tell you how, but someone bought the big one in a way that has kept us talking all week.
5. Excellent television programming. Most of the network stations are mired in sitcoms, reality shows, singing competitions and cop dramas. AMC dares to be different. Much like FX with Sons of Anarchy, The Walking Dead is waking people up and tuning them in to this channel. I can honestly say that I sincerely hope the trend continues. Some of us are sick of the crap that network tv thinks we want to watch.

Don't forget, Sundays at 9 EST on AMC. If you want to catch up on season one, it is available on NetFlix or you can buy the DVD boxed set from amazon.com.

Blowing Mud

A while ago, I wrote a post about euphemisms for getting your period. Today we're going in a different, but equally disgusting direction. How can you tactfully say "I've got to shit" without making people nauseous.

My personal favorites are "the green apple splatters" and "bubble guts." I found some others that made me laugh so hard I thought I was going to have to "commit myself to the dumpatorium." Of course, you can always "storm the castle."

Euphemisms for taking a shit:

• Download some mudware.
• Fill the peanut butter jar
• Hit paydirt
• Make a grunt scuplture
• Paint the bowl
• Punish the porcelain
• Sink the Bismark
• Barbarians at the gate
• Bunghole train has left the station
• Contaminating the dog dish
• Drilling for mud bunnies
• Helping the ground hog find his shadow
• Negotiating the release of the chocolate hostages
• Polluting the pond
• Singing with Michael Bolton (?)

Euphemisms for diarrhea:

• Brownie batter
• Liquid bummer
• The Schlitz
• Code brown emergency
• The Tijuana two-step
• Number three (two plus one!)
• The chunky sputters

Euphemisms for farting:

• Anal salute
• Let each little bean be heard
• Rebuilding the ozone layer
• Trouser cough
• Barking spiders (if you stomp your feet when you fart, you can announce you're "killing the barking spiders")

You MUST read the "fart etiquette" part of this page.

Book Review: World War Z:An Oral History of the Zombie War ~ Max Brooks

Book Review: World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War ~ Max Brooks

From amazon.com: Brooks tells the story of the world's desperate battle against the zombie threat with a series of first-person accounts "as told to the author" by various characters around the world.


This is exactly what this book is. It's told in excerpts from interviews with people who lived through the zombie apocalypse from it's beginning to the end of the "war." There are many different "interviewees" and each tells his or her story from a unique perspective. There are civilian, military and political points of view, and each tells a different aspect of the fight against the undead.


The book itself is unique, and so is it's premise. We've been assailed with zombie tales in recent literature and, while I hope this is a trend that continues, it's going to be difficult for writers to come up with unique points of view. Mr. Brooks doesn't have that problem here. 


Those interviewed range from a Chinese doctor who shares his experiences from the beginning of the war to a Russian soldier describing the horrors perpetrated on her army by it's superiors. My personal favorite is the story of the blind monk who managed to hold his own in the wilderness. 


We are told about military operations that failed miserably, accounts of families heading northward to escape the zombie horde, and American politician's struggles with having to basically decide who gets to live. Reading the book, I honestly could envision people making those same decisions. To me, if zombies came calling tomorrow, I would expect the world to fall apart the way it did in this novel. I would also expect the indomitable human spirit to rise up against the undead army and take back the world from it.


What Mr. Brooks has done here, and has done well, is written an excellent piece of zombie apocalypse fiction. The interview style is a novel idea and it made the story fresh and interesting. The writer also showed a vast knowledge of different countries' military and cultural practices, especially evidenced by the interviews with the Chinese doctor. 


My only real issue with the novel is that the different people telling their stories all seemed to be using the same voice. Though the names changed, as did the tales, the voices stayed the same. It became somewhat confusing when interviewees were revisited. I'll over look this issue, though, because this book was that damned good.


From beginning to end, I found the book to be interesting, riveting and highly recommendable. 


On a scale of one to five stars with one being the worst, I'd give this book FIVE stars.


Side note: I've been reading about the film adaptation of this book (with Brad Pitt, no less) and they're apparently going to end up turning this into a regular old zombie movie. That would be a BAD move, as this is an exceptionally told story that deserves to be told the way it was written. 

Buy World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War by Max Brooks on Kindle from amazon.com.
Buy World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War by Max Brooks in paperback from amazon.com.

SPAM!

Spam. It comes in a can and loosely resembles meat. I've been trolling the internet for years but lately I've come across a myriad of ways in which spam is offered by the Hormel company. Here are a few of the most... er... succulent varieties.

Spam Meat Spread. It looks like a cross between potted meat (which I've always called potty meat for obvious reasons) and deviled ham. (link goes to walmart.com)

Spam Oven Roasted Turkey. Oven roasted turkey. If you believe that, I have some land in Florida I can sell you... cheap. (link goes to walmart.com)

Spam Lite. For the health conscious among you who do not care what you put in your mouth. (link goes to walmart.com)

Hickory Smoke Spam. For, uh, whoever wants their canned meat flavored with a little bit of liquid smoke. (link goes to walmart.com)

25% Less Sodium Spam. Heart healthier? (link goes to amazon.com)

Spam with Cheese. The reviewers seemed to like this one, except for Mr. Chunky Monkey who asked "where's the cheese?" (link goes to amazon.com)

Spam Hot & Spicy. For those of you that like a little muy calliente with your lips and assholes. (Sorry, that's hot dogs, isn't it?) (link goes to amazon.com)

Spam Classic Singles. For those of you who, you know, live alone and don't want to open a whole can of Spam because you don't think you'll eat it before it becomes penicillin in your fridge. (link goes to amazon.com)

Spam with BACON. The holy mother of all Spam products. As Paula Deen (might have) once said "there's nothing a little bacon can't fix." (link goes to amazon.com)

Wikipedia alludes to the flavors black pepper and garlic, but I couldn't find any representatives of those for sale on the web. There was even a limited edition "golden honey grail" in honor of Monty Python's Spamalot. (these two links go to wikipedia.)

for your viewing pleasure: green eggs and Spam!

Mackie's Haggis and Cracked Black Pepper Crisps

Seriously? Haggis flavored potato chips? WTF is haggis, you ask? Well, wikipedia says it's "Haggis is a dish containing sheep's 'pluck' (heart, liver and lungs), minced with onion, oatmeal, suet, spices, and salt, mixed with stock, and traditionally simmered in the animal's stomach for approximately three hours." Yeah. So it probably tastes like ass. 

Now someone's gone and made potato chips (crisps, for you non-English people - meaning: me) flavored like this stuff. I haven't actually eaten haggis, but if it tastes as bad as Menudo smells, well, I'll take a pass. 

Short Story Reviews: Zombie Weekend!

I downloaded a few free short stories and thought I'd share the wealth. All links go to Amazon.

Goddamn Redneck Surfer Zombies by Michael Jasper
Every summer the dead rise to... ride the waves? On coffin lids, no less. "So we taught the zombies to surf... At least we didn't have to worry about anyone drowning."

Zombie Joe and the Pogo Stick Legs by Geltab
Zombie point of view. Joe wanders into a diner in search of waffles instead of the usual grey matter fare and hilarity ensues. "About mid life makes a nice, medium rare brain, very enjoyable, you can almost taste the dissatisfaction."

LZR-1143: Perspectives by Bryan James
This is a standalone collection of six short stories, each about different victims of a zombie apocalypse. Though at times confusing, this collection is long on horror. It's part of a series of novels of the same name (LZR-1143).